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I smile and nod. I point behind me. “Well, I’m going to go say good night to everyone.”
“Can I say good night?”
If it were anyone else, I’d say he was being suave, but his eyes are still shining, and I oddly want to console him. “Sure.”
He takes two steps, until he’s right in front of me. He smells incredible, masculine and earthy, like cedarwood and spice. Instead of holding out his arms in a hug, he takes my hand, and as soon as his fingers grasp mine, I’m transported back to a tree house. And Lonan is with me. We were standing like we are now. The memory slams into me. “Oh my God.”
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“I kissed you.”
“We did a lot more than kiss,” he says with a smirk.
“No, I mean as a kid. We kissed in a tree house.”
His glossy eyes shine more now. He scrubs his hands down his face while he blows out a breath, trying to gain some composure.
“Yeah, i-in a tree house, I remember it,” I repeat.
Stepping forward and grasping my hand again, he pulls me into his hard chest and wraps me up in a giant hug. He doesn’t let go, just holds me tight against him and presses a kiss to the top of my head. It’s a simple gesture, but the way he does it feels packed with so much more than nostalgia.
* * *
After waking from a night of deep, heavy sleep, I turn over to lie on my back. Thinking over everything that’s happened the last few days, it’s becoming easier to accept that this is my life now. My world has been shaken up, and I’m still feeling the aftershocks. My brain is exhausted, the new memories and flashbacks have been draining. Warm blankets wrapped around me keep me drowsy, in that hazy space between sleep and consciousness. Slumber sounds like such a sweet escape from the decisions that need to be made.
This year’s Christmas was wonderful. We spent the day together doing family things and relaxing. I caught up my family with what I’ve been up to, my job, friends, what I want to do with my career. Lonan and I stayed up late eating ice cream and talking. He’s so down-to-earth, and we share the same sense of humor. It’s hard to deny the attraction we have for each other, but I’m trying to hold a boundary.
For Christmas, he gave me his #14 BURKE hockey jersey. We spent most of the time watching Maddie open her gifts and laughing at all her overdramatic faces of surprise. She’s like a little ball of animated cheeriness. I love being Aunt Birdie.
Last night, before I went to sleep, Lonan gave me another hug, and instead of more flashbacks, this time, I only felt fireworks. The timing sucks; my life is too complicated right now to handle something more, especially with a man my parents consider a son.
When they discuss the possibility of moving me to Minnesota, it sounds like an opportunity. I am still thinking it over. It’s a huge decision. The majority of my life has been spent in British Columbia. But I’ve graduated and don’t have a firm job in place. My apartment lease with Micky will be up in the next few months, so I’ll be looking for a new place.
Is it crazy to look here?
It all feels like fate. I’m on the precipice of starting my life in Vancouver, but why not start it here instead?
Still, that means a lot of work for me. I need to move out, finish getting rid of Julianne’s things. I can confidently say there is nothing of hers I plan on keeping, the last thing I want is to be surrounded by mementos of her. The childhood trauma she’s left me with is a big enough souvenir. In fact, leaving Vancouver and Julianne behind would be a new beginning. The more I reflect on the situation, the clearer the answer becomes. It’s not why should I move to Minnesota, but rather why wouldn’t I?
My best friend, Micky, is from Seattle, she said she always planned to go back to the States after university since she’s visiting on a school visa. The other reason to stay is to fix that mess at the social security office. I need to do that, regardless. Until then, I’ve been given the okay to continue with my Canadian identity—which comes with its own set of problems. It’s a big adjustment, but even with the new challenges I’ll have to face... my gut says to stay.
* * *
Lonan left about an hour ago, and strangely, I already miss him. We are getting to know each other well, and right now, he’s my closest friend here. Another reason I can’t ruin this by sleeping with him.
After much thought, I’ve decided I’m going to make the move. It’s a chance to take my life back, this place is a part of me. I’ll always wonder what could have been if I don’t. My parents are sitting in the living room, murmuring. I suspect they are discussing me, so I join them.
“So, first... I can’t tell you how much this means to me. Thank you so much for your generosity. I’m overwhelmed with all the kindness.” Their faces drop, and I realize they think I’m turning down the offer, so I blurt out, “I’d like to give it a shot.”
I’ve never seen two people more relieved.
Evidence Item #159
Submitting Agent: Tim Rollins
Case Number: NF-2000-PR-0856478
Item #: 159
