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She hands me a ticket. “Here you go. Hurry; they’re boarding in a few minutes. Enjoy your adventure.” She smiles and points me to my gate.
I give a curt nod and a smile to match before hurrying toward the gate.
As I stand on the platform with only a handful of items left to my name, I realize I’ve never been more afraid in my life. I’m leaving everyone and everything I’ve ever known behind.
It isn’t fair.
Christopher should be the one leaving, but I know that wouldneverhappen. He won’t stop until he finds me and kills me. That is, if he isn’t already dead. I wince at the thought. Killing him certainly wasn’t the goal. I just wanted to stop him from killing me.
The train doors open to allow passengers to start loading. Just before I step on, I remember I have my phone.Shit. I’ll lead him straight to me if I keep it.
Knowing I’ll be dead for sure if I don’t get rid of it, I quickly take the device from my bag, open my texts, and find Addy’s name. Tears stream down my face now as I type,‘I’m so sorry. I have to go. I’ll let you know I’m okay as soon as I can. I love you.’
I throw the phone on the ground and smash it with my heel before tossing it into the trash and stepping onto the train.
I walk to the back of the train car, drying my tears as I search for an open seat. To my relief, I find a single seat is left open and I slide in. I take off my sunglasses, but I pull the baseball cap down to cover my face as much as possible.
Suddenly, I get the feeling someone is watching me. I look out my window to scan the crowd.
Surely, it’s not Christopher.He couldn’t have found me this quickly!
My heart rate skyrockets.No, no, no, it can’t be him.
The feeling is so intense that it forces me to continue searching. My hunt stops abruptly when I find cold, dark eyes boring into mine from the crowd. I gasp and clutch my throat, wincing at how sore it is.
We stare at each other, and his face softens as he gives me a nod. It almost seems like anatta-girl. I keep my eyes locked on his as the train pulls away, never losing him until the train is too far away for me to see him any longer.
I sit quietly, still as I stare out the train window and watch the city slip away. I must be numb from the chaos of the day. I feel nothing right now. No sadness, fear, or even anger. Just a well of nothingness. And after weeks of turmoil and fear, it’s a bit of relief.
Sighing, I rest my head against the seat and let my eyes fall closed. “You’re safe,” I whisper so quietly I’m sure I’m the only one who hears it.
At first, I try to sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I see an enraged Christopher coming for me. The numbness from minutes before is already fading. I tremble in my seat as tears form again.
I try to calm my breathing, closing my eyes and focusing on a happy memory. I go back to my favorite vacation I’ve ever taken with my family. We went to Fiji, and still to this day, it’s the most beautiful water I’ve ever seen.
Andrew was eighteen, I was twelve, and Addy was eight. Because of our age gap, Andrew and I have never been as close as I am to Addy. But that vacation was different.
We did the excursions together, and we laughed and played. It was the closest I’ve ever felt to my siblings. My parents were there and engaged. Dad didn’t work the entire trip. It was the happiest I remember being in my childhood.
We felt like a normal family on that trip. Andrew planned to go to Berkeley for medicine after that summer, so my parents wanted to take a big trip together.
Dad wasn’t happy with Andrew’s choice to go into medicine. Dad always wanted him to be a lawyer and that was the biggest point of contention between the two of them. Andrew fought tooth and nail to be able to go to college and start his understudies geared towards medicine.
Father had finally relented and agreed to Andrew’s plans just a few weeks prior to the trip. My brother was on cloud nine that trip. He had his whole future ahead of him, everything he always wanted was at his fingertips.
We never went on a trip like that again, and Andrew was never the same after he went to college. Halfway into his second year, he suddenly changed all of his classes and said he was going to be a lawyer like dad wanted.
When I asked him why he gave up the one thing he had always wanted, he shrugged looking so broken my heart shattered for him. His answer shook me to my core, “sometimes you don’t have a choice, Andrea. Sometimes life takes it from you.”
His answer and the way his demeanor completely changed afterwards has kept me up at night, even all these years later. He was no longer our quiet but joyful big brother. He was still quiet, but he was now somber and heartbroken.
I know it has something to do with dad. There is no other explanation. What happened to Andrew is a major part of why I have kept my art a secret. I don’t want it taken away from me like Andrew’s dream was taken from him.
Distracting myself with that memory does nothing to ease the sadness or anxiety because it only reminds me that we lost a piece of our brother back then. I tried to talk to my dad about it once years ago, but he got extremely defensive.
“There’s nothing wrong with your brother. It’s part of growing up and becoming an adult. He left a boy and came back a man. He made the right choice,” he’d said.
He made it sound like he went off to war and the only way to survive was to give up his dream of becoming a doctor. Last time I checked, Berkeley wasn’t a third world country, and I said as much. Though it didn’t matter.
