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Although, I suppose, the real reason it feels so empty here for me tonight is the lack of Paul, who always did light up a room.
Darren and Steve bugger off, moving onto a club, possibly fed up of maudlin Theo.
Theo has never been close to those two. His best mates included Tom, who’s currently living in Asia somewhere, working for some major engineering company. A genius, but always stoned. Theo’s other best mates obviously include Adam, who’s now truly embracing married life by avoiding these dreadful gatherings, plus Paul, of course. For some reason, Theo refuses to move on and find new mates, even leaving London just to come here and get smashed with the likes of me. He could probably find a legion of friends down there, but I wonder, is he still refusing to move on?
There’s just Sass, Theo and me left sitting around the table. It feels sad and a little pathetic, actually.
“I’d better go. Things to do.” Sass kisses us both super-fast and is out of the door before we can even breathe.
Once she’s gone, I try to think. How can I pull Theo out of this mess?
“Shall we go somewhere else?” I ask him.
“Where?” he asks, yelling over the din of the crap metal band around the corner of the pub, which normally doesn’t bother me but because the crowd is small tonight, I’m hearing more of it.
“I don’t know, anywhere.”
“Can we go to yours?” he asks, slurring.
“Great idea.”
He drinks up and we grab the first cab we can find, asking him to take us to my new place.
The first thing I do when we arrive home is put the kettle on. Theo stumbles around, searching the fridge and finding only a small prosecco in the door. He grumbles but pops it open without even asking.
I hear him groan as he slams his arse down on my sofa, switching on the TV.
I’m renting a flat not far from Leeds University. It’s an area I know, it’s safe, and it’s got a good vibe. So there we go. And yes, it’s a couple of streets away from where I used to live with Ian.
When things get tough at work, I walk home telling myself I could always go back to university and start again, but I already did that once and look where it got me: a failed relationship and a job that’s harder than I could have ever imagined. I would like to sit down with Ian and pick apart what went wrong, but when I say that to Sass or my big sister, they shoot me down and remind me Ian was a prick. End of. No dissection needed.
I take two cups of tea into the lounge and find Theo, having already drunk the cheap prosecco, watchingIt’s a Wonderful Lifewith tears in his eyes.
I pass him his tea and he rolls his eyes.
“Anyone told you lately, you’re becoming a bit of a prick?” I can’t help being harsh; he’s been a wretch tonight. I’ve tried the softly-softly approach with him in the past but that doesn’t seem to have worked.
“Thanks,” he smarts, crying as he watches the film.
“No, I’m being serious, Theo. You’re being a dick. I’m not impressed.”
I’ve really had to scale back our nights of dumping (or rather his dumping) ever since I began proper working hours and gained regular patients. It’s too much to do it at work, then come home to it, too. I can imagine there are a hundred things he could do each weekend in London, but for some reason he still seems to be coming back here all the time and staying at his mum’s.
“Gee, thanks.” He leans back into the sofa, shuts his eyes and rubs them.
I grab the remote and switch the TV off, another distraction from what’s going on with him.
“You need help, Theo and I’m saying that as someone who cares. You can’t go on like this, it’s ridiculous. She married Adam. She’s deliriously happy.”
“Oh god,” he growls, “it’s not her. It’s everything. I fucking hate London. It’s soul destroying. I’m not getting work. I hate myself.”
“Well, you need to sort yourself out, Theo. It’s not worth it. If it’s making you unhappy, find something else. I don’t know, try your luck around here.”
He shakes his head. “This was always the dream and it’s become a nightmare. My mother paid out thousands so I could live the dream, and if I give up now, it’ll be like it was all a waste. The shame of it… admitting failure. I couldn’t bear it! I was meant to make it in London Town.”
I put my arm around him and let him rest his forehead on my chest for a while. It seems to help. After a while, he drinks some tea and I start to see the old Theo return, a little life back in his eyes.
“If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone else?” I stare at him with desperation. I need to talk to someone about this. Anyone. I’m going insane.
