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I move across the room lightly, my intent not to frighten him as I get closer. I put my hand on his arm and whisper, “Neither do you. Neither do you.”
He turns and looks at me with bloodshot eyes; he’s a wreck and can’t be soothed, not tonight.
I put my hand on his face and swipe at another tear with my thumb. He has such beautiful dark blue-green eyes.
“You can’t keep doing this, Paul.”
His face crumples. “What?”
“Saving me and then leaving me, because you’re scared of happiness.”
“You’ve got it wrong!”
He moves away from me, tearing at his hair.
“Then tell me the truth, Paul. Do you have any idea what it was like for me to wake up in that hotel room alone? With everyone so happy downstairs, I had to sneak out of that hotel to avoid everyone and then get a bus home. Do you have any idea what that was like for me? Because I don’t think you do.”
I could go into graphic detail about how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep… how I stopped eating… stopped sleeping. How sometimes, when I’m the saddest, I imagine his arms wrapped around me the way they were that night and it doesn’t seem that bad anymore. Until I wake again later, realising actually, the bed’s cold and I’m alone. The man I love is gone. He’s always gone. Just when I think I’ve finally got him, he’s gone.
He leans back against my wall and sinks, sliding down the wall until he’s crouched. He covers his face with his hands and shakes his head, mad with everything – but especially me, it seems.
“You don’t know what he’s like, Lily. You just don’t know. Do you remember my first girlfriend, Claire? Do you?”
“Not really.”
“Yeah, because it lasted five minutes. She caught him wandering the house naked and watched as he peed on the lino.”
I say nothing. That must have been years ago.
“You don’t know the shame of it, how it feels, what it’s like. I want to have a life, a family of my own, but he’ll be there in the background, always. He’ll be saying the horrible things he says… in my head… deep in my subconscious, always belittling, always… dragging me down with him. You don’t have a clue, Lily. You don’t. I’ve been trying to save you from me. Ian didn’t deserve you, that was as obvious as grass is green, but nor do I. I don’t deserve you either, and all this thing between us will result in is pain, like everything else. I’ll only cause you pain, and you know it. You deserve more.”
He rests his head against his knees and curls up into a ball. He’s given up, given in, he’s not strong enough to fight back. He’s been torn down and this is what I’m left with.
“I know that alcoholism is a disease that spreads and its effects have spread to you in that you don’t think you deserve happiness or love or contentment. Well, I’ve got news for you. You still have a chance. Maybe it’s too late for him, but it isn’t for you. I’ve tried to forget you but the truth is, I was with someone for three years and those three years pale in comparison to one night with you. What we have is so special, I truly believe that, and now I know why you’ve been like this, I’m not letting you go. I won’t. I love you. I can’t unlove you, it’s not possible. I love you more than anything and if you feel the same way, then you’ll leave all that behind and be with me. Because I tell you what, I’m not hanging around until he’s dead and buried. And if you can’t let go of it all, you’ll end up dead and buried alongside him, and you know it.”
He folds into himself, arms tight around his knees, face buried against them. I’ve failed. He can’t be rescued. I’ve done all I can.
I rush from the room and start banging around the kitchen, tidying things away and for some reason, boiling a kettle full of water.
My heart hurts and I have to take hold of the kitchen sideboard, my chin to my chest as tears fall and fall down my face and onto the floor. I can’t take it anymore. I feel ill.
When the kettle has boiled, I hear him shuffle in behind me and ask, “Do you want a cup of tea, then?”
“No,” I wail, still clinging to the counter.
He puts his hands on my shoulders and tugs me backwards until our bodies touch. Wrapping his arms firmly around my front, he rests his chin on my shoulder and I’m close to breaking point when he murmurs, “Everything means nothing without you, Lily. I’m in hell. I’m in hell, babe. I’m absolutely lost and I’m in hell. If you want to try and rescue me, that’s up to you, but I’m in hell and I’m a mess. But I love you. I’ve always loved you. Forever and always. Whenever we’re together, I always feel lighter. I feel alive, just holding you, and that scares me so much. You have no idea. I love you so much, it hurts. It physically hurts.”
He buries his face in my hair and I feel his laboured breaths caress my ear, my throat. I let it go, let it all fall out of me, breaking apart right in front of him. All the nights alone… all the horrible thoughts I had while he was gone. I let them all go.
Paul turns me and pulls me into his arms, holding me so tight against him as I wail and cry against his chest. Shaking and shivering, I let it all out and he whips me up against him, tugging my legs around his waist. I cling to him tighter than I’ve ever clung to anything, my face buried against his hair and my arms wrapped around his head, protecting him from all that out there.
A different shiver runs down my spine when he presses his lips to my throat and inhales the scent of me.
“Ah, Lily.”
My body shakes with desire when he kisses my cheek and then the corner of my mouth. He brushes his lips to mine and I moan softly and kiss him back when he gives me more, his soft lips parting to allow our tongues to brush and caress.
The greeting over with, he walks across the room, deposits me on the sideboard and holds my head in his hands, kissing me forcefully, my breath robbed… his tongue roaming my mouth. I keep my legs wrapped around his waist and encourage him to lift the t-shirt off. Then while he kisses me, I run my hands over his chest and stomach, his back and shoulders.
