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Before yesterday, Paul and I hadn’t spoken in months and I haven’t been back on Facebook in yonks. Anyway, it means Paul has been keeping abreast of what’s been going on in my life, either through Adam or Theo. It’s quite sweet and also quite cowardly, not contacting me himself, but I guess I have to get past that now, for Paul’s sake, during this difficult time.
“I’ve got a quiet morning,” I explain, “my boss is at some meeting so I was just going to be reading through cases, nothing I can’t do at home later.”
She squeezes my hand. “I always knew you’d do well, didn’t I, Paul? And she’s getting prettier, isn’t she, Paul?”
“She is, Mum,” he groans.
The two boys opposite guffaw into their hands and look at me with laughter in their eyes.
“One more from you two and I’ll deck the pair of you,” Paul growls.
The lads accept the challenge and in a hospital corridor, I watch, in shock, as my brand-new boyfriend (we didn’t discuss that, but okay) takes down both his brothers. First, John gets his eye flicked, then David has his arm wrapped behind his back until he gives in. I’m ashamed to admit, even to myself, but I’m a little impressed. Paul knows how to handle his brothers, who clearly need their big brother more than they’d admit.
They all return to their seats gingerly, and thankfully, no hospital security was required.
“Every time,” Paul laughs, “you don’t learn.”
The younger boys, a full four years Paul’s junior, shake off their embarrassment and sit back in their seats.
David looks hurt and chews on his lip for a while before finally admitting, “We’ve been here all night, where’ve you been?”
Paul goes red in the face. “I’ve been with Lily. She’s my girlfriend and she’s going to be my wife so don’t you dare start, Dave. Don’t you dare. Not when that fuck in there hasn’t done anything for any of us in years, so don’t you dare start.”
A deathly silence descends and I watch with horror as David wipes hot tears which spill down his cheeks unchecked. David leaves his chair and props his head against the wall, hiding from everyone else.
“He’s our dad,” John mumbles, “he’s our dad.”
“Yeah, and I’m here now, aren’t I?”
Lydia says nothing. She’s inert, not getting involved in male business. I expect that’s the stance she’s had to adopt to survive.
“You’re not the one—” Paul cuts himself off before saying anymore. He looks sideways at his mum and she’s still got her head down.
More than anything, I want to know what he was going to say, but I can guess.
“Not the one, what?” John eventually demands, unshed tears balancing on his lashes.
Paul groans and leaves his chair, pacing the floor. He looks at John, straight in the eye. “You’re not the one who had to clean glass out of Mum’s face. You’re not the one who had to drag him home legless. You’re not the one he tried to force into being his drinking buddy. You’re not the one who got hit when I told him straight. You’re not the one who’s carried all this.”
Paul’s shaking and I’m crying and his mum’s still numb, silent, as the brothers all come together, the younger ones rushing at Paul to hug him in a group. They cry together and tears pour down my cheeks watching it.
I put my arm around Lydia and pull her into me. “You’ve got some good boys, Lydia. You should be proud.”
“Proud? I’m more than proud,” she says, “and that’s all Paul. It’s all him. He brought those two up when I couldn’t.”
I hold her to me as the lads continue to cry and shake each other about, angry at themselves and each other, but resolved to get through this.
When I catch Paul’s eyes I mouth, “I love you.”
He smiles sadly and mouths, “I know.”
I decide to leave them all to it and hug each of them, one at a time. The younger lads cry into my hair and add “welcome to the family” and “take care of our brother”. It’s sweet.
I hug Paul last, tight and secure, whispering in his ear, “Take your mother for something to eat. She’s probably not eaten in days, bless her. And I’m just upstairs. Call me when he gets out, whatever time that is. Okay? I’ll be here.”
Paul kisses me passionately and I leave him, bruised and punctured, his heart in tatters as he tries to console his family. I’ll be there for him later, come what may – I’ll sew him back together.
Chapter Sixteen
