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I rein in my fury and bite out, “We’ve broken up, have we? News to me.”
He throws his cup across the room and it smashes into little pieces. “You got pregnant, having not told me about coming off the fucking pill! You’ve messed with my head so much doing that, you have no idea, no idea.”
I swallow hard. I have no idea? I have no idea?
“It’s my body. You were there quite happily not using condoms. You never asked this time round if I was still on the pill. You just expected I would be because I’m the dependable one, Lily the Dependable, the one always here, always waiting, always faithful and yet always shat on, every, single time. Every time.”
He shakes his head. “You should have told me.”
“It’s my body.”
“How can I look after you if you don’t tell me shit!” He stands up, flailing his arms around.
That thing I kept saying to myself in the taxi last night… I have to say it now. It has to be out or it might gnaw at me forever.
“I didn’t tell you because I thought… I thought…”
I can’t say it, I can’t.
It won’t come out.
He looks down at me and grimaces. “Because you thought it would make me stay with you, because I left you before, because I fucked you over before, because I hurt you. Yeah, you wanted a baby, I know that. But you wanted to tie me down and you thought a baby would do that.”
It hurts so much to hear him say it. It’s like hearing all your worst traits, thrown out there for all the world to see. I feel like clawing my own eyes out.
I want Paul to be my husband and the father of my kids so badly, but he did things… things he can’t undo. We’ve both known it. All along. We’ve both been burrowing underneath the truth, using sex and our careers and everything, really, to avoid the one, glaring truth…
I don’t trust him. Even if I spent a whole lifetime trying to learn how to, I wouldn’t be able to. The pain when I woke up in that hotel, alone… it will never, ever go away. The shame, disappointment, heartbreak… hurt. He broke me that day.
“You’re your own self-fulfilling prophecy,” I tell him. “You say you’re going to fuck up, and you do. That’s how you work. Because of him.”
“I know that,” he says, angrily wiping his eyes. “I told him that last night. I said goodbye to him. I cut him off. I told him I’ve lost the love of my life because of his poison, his influence… his vice. I told him it’s on him. He made me believe a woman like you would never want me and I thought that was true. I didn’t know that all the rottenness that came out of his mouth couldn’t be further from the truth. You have loved me. You’ve shown me how it can be. You’ve shown me it can be so good. You’ve shown me what I’m capable of… what I can achieve. You’ve injected a lot of good into me and I am not the man I was before. I’m different now. So different.”
My chin falls to my chest and slaver leaves me, I can’t even breathe as pain takes hold of me, so strong, so powerful, my chest empty, my heart wrecked. It’s beyond sad that we can’t make this work. We didn’t do any of it right. We’re not equipped. We’re not strong enough to bring a baby into the world together. Maybe I could have done it on my own, but if I’d had to look down at my baby and always see him, it would have been a constant reminder that someone I once loved more than myself could hurt me in such a way as to make me question myself, over and over, as if it was me who did something wrong, when it wasn’t. Paul made me feel dirty, he made me feel used, he made me feel worthless and unloved. He made me feel dead inside. No amount of anything can ever erase any of that. It happened. We can’t undo it. It’s had its effect. My trust is crippled because of it. I even nearly turned down this job, worried he’d be getting back to bad habits while I’m at work late.
“You killed the hope I had left, Paul,” I mumble, still struggling for breath, my heart dying in my chest.
“I wish I could go back in time, but I can’t. I want to beg for your forgiveness. I want us to start fresh. I want us to have a proper engagement, a proper wedding. I want us to travel and laugh, eat meals on all the different continents, buy a home together, raise a family eventually. I don’t want us to hate one another. I love you. I always have. I always will. If you want me to beg, I will. I don’t want to lose you. These past few weeks have opened my eyes. I’m different. I can be different.”
“Says the man who went out drinking last night as I passed our baby out of my body, all alone, with nobody here to comfort me.”
He comes towards me, fright in his eyes, sitting on the edge of the bed. “If you can tell me there’s just one tiny ounce inside you that can see past all this… one tiny bit, I’ll take that and work with it, I promise. Please.”
I lift my face and look right into his eyes. “Your brand of love has only ever caused me pain. If you can promise me you’ll never cause me pain again, then stay, or else, go. Leave. If you truly love me, leave. If you don’t want to hurt me anymore, go. Love shouldn’t hurt. It should only heal. If you’ve healed, I’m thankful, but it’s come at the cost of my hurt, my significant pain over the past year and a half, since the Christmas you just fucked off.”
“I didn’t. I came to see you at your parents’ house. You threw me out.”
“I had a lot to contend with then… a three-year relationship that had just ended! A whole part of my life suddenly gone. Then, there was shame. Doubt. Self-disgust. And the clear signal from you that you weren’t interested in a relationship and probably never would be.”
“Lily—”
“You should have fought for me that day, when you came to see me. You shouldn’t have left. You should’ve looked harder and seen the truth. That I’m delicate, I hurt. I come off strong but I’m vulnerable, I’m tender-hearted. I want a man to take me and love me and for none of that other bullshit to be involved. Just love. That’s all I want.”
“Yeah, so why did you ever go out with Ian? I’ll tell you something. Do you know what I was worried about? I was worried that you were only interested in me because I was a bad boy like him and that I was going to let you down just as bad. That’s why I kept walking away. I thought you were better off without me. I still believe that, but I also love you so much and can’t stand the thought of losing you. It makes me feel physically ill thinking about never cooking you breakfast again or listening to you ranting after work. I don’t want anyone else to wash my pants, you buy the best wash powder and it smells the best. I don’t want anyone in my arms ever again because nobody will ever feel as good as you. No woman out there is as good, as kind, as strong and as beautiful as you. I just want time, Lily. That’s all I want. Time… to make this right. We can do it. Say you’ll give me a chance. Say that there’s even an ounce of you that wants to get past this and we’ll try. Please… Lily, please,” he begs, starting to cry and tug at his hair.
I close my eyes and search my mind, which is screaming for me to end this, move on and never think of him ever again. My heart, however has other ideas.
“I’ll think about it; I need some rest,” I demand, because I feel like a truck ran over me backwards.
