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Caelan shook his head. “Ma only sin is that I recognised his attachment and did nothing to cut him off. I shoulda done something. Left the military earlier, not gone with them back into the field. But…”
“You felt an affinity with him, didn’t you?” It was obvious that’s why he’d never been able to force Eric out of his life, not forever.
“It’s when you’re pretty much the same person, have endured the same shit in life, but it’s too much. Too like, close. And yet, nobody else understands.” He took my hand across the table. “Until you, o’ course. Which is why, I suspect, we ended up here.”
“In this triangle,” I admitted.
“Aye.” Caelan’s eyes darkened. “Flora, if it turns out he’s a traitor and murdered ma team, I’ll have nobody to blame but myself. And I’ll have to kill him.”
“You wanted to help him, give him purpose, that was all,” I tried to soothe, brushing my thumb over the back of his hand.
“Naw, I kent all the way back then, there was something wrong with him, something deep, deep down wrong. I shoulda acted on my fears but I ignored them.”
I took a deep breath, still with that hollow feeling inside of me threatening to pull me into myself and away from him—but I wouldn’t let it. “We can’t go back.”
“Nae, and I ken it.”
Later that night, we were both struggling to sleep. Perhaps it was the heat. Perhaps we were both wired. Maybe we were just so relaxed being on holiday, we weren’t tired enough yet. Anyway, I was staring at him as he looked up at the ceiling.
“I want to talk about Jimmy,” I said.
His face became lined as he grimaced. “What about him?”
“Do you believe what I told you?”
He turned his head, shooting me a sad but certain look. “Yes.”
“Then how do you feel about it? What do you think? I sometimes wonder…” I blew out a big breath, my heart kicking a little.
He lay on his back looking up at the ceiling again. “I tell myself it was the sin in the Anderson family. It corrupted him. It just makes it easier for me to deal with. I just… I like to think of him how I knew him.”
I shook my head several times. “I want to say things you won’t like.”
His hands covered his eyes. “I was afraid o’ that.”
“I was there, Caelan. It’s stamped on my memory.” I trembled at the mere thought. Caelan noticed and turned over to reach out, rubbing his hand up and down my arm. “I saw that look in his eye. I remember it clear as day. And I know he knew who I was. I was convinced I’d snuck out of the house unseen, and I thought much later, he’d come after me on purpose. To hurt Blake.”
“He’d been waiting? Watching?” He bit his lip.
“I don’t think he would’ve let me live. He’d have let my father go mad trying to figure out who’d done it. And Dad would’ve killed them all, like they were guilty by association. Maybe that’s why Jimmy did it. So he could watch my father undo himself.”
“You were Blake’s one vulnerability.” It was a statement, and, it was oh so true.
“The one thing he had left of her. And so, he buried it; the truth about who’d really killed Jimmy. He must’ve always known. Seen the change in me.” My lip trembled, my chest nearly caved in, and I shuddered. “Dad does love me, but… it’s so…” Tears sprang from my eyes. “That. Thing.That I can’t explain, Caelan. His weird, toxic, but real love for me. He didn’t try to fix me, he just allowed me to be angry and to do whatever I needed to in order to survive.”
Caelan breathed heavily. “He should’ve protected you.”
I covered my face with my hands. “Yes. But maybe… I dunno.”
“What?” he said, sighing.
“Nobody ever protected my dad, so he didn’t know how to protect anything. Not even himself.”
Caelan got up and knelt on the bed beside me, stroking a hand through my damp hair. I felt the heat of his gaze even though I was dazed.
“I love you, Flora, so much… but I fell in love with you before we ever spoke. Nobody protected you but you know how to protect.”
I sat up too and he made space for me between his legs so I could curl my body into his, snug under his chin, his arms clasped all around me.
