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Perhaps that was why Eric had vomited at the scene, back at the log cabin. He’d not expected my violence, my strength. Yet… we’d fucked after. Maybe because he’d sensed my need. Since violence seemed to arouse me.
It’d also been fear… that dire need to have someone close. Someone to reassure me. Obliterate me.
Yet I couldn’t deny, something had been brewing between us before that day. Whether it was this shared frustration at neither of us ever being able to truly get beneath Caelan.
I wasn’t sure.
The baby let out a little cry, in that way of his, no drama… just a little noise so we’d know he was waking up.
That roused Caelan immediately and he grunted awake, burying his face in my hair before he did anything. It nearly made my heart break, watching Eric watching us.
Had he meant it when he said he loved me? Or was that just another symptom of his quest to get closer to Caelan? Me being the wife of his greatest love, maybe he was just trying to figure out what Caelan saw in me. That’s why he liked/loved me. Because I was a part of Caelan.
He continued to look emotionless and blank. Vacant Eric was worse than anything, when he was a person of so many opinions, thoughts and such expressiveness ordinarily. I didn’t want to see that look in his eyes anymore.
I rolled over and into Caelan’s chest, breathing in his skin, his heart pounding against my cheek. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and threw his leg over me, too. For a second, none of it had happened. I was back home. Everything was safe, warm, and I was loved.
But the problem was, if I were truly safe, loved and secure, I wouldn’t need him right beside me all the time to know that. He’d gone away and I’d strayed because I’d doubted him. I’d been right to doubt him. He’d been keeping the truth about my father from me. Woman’s intuition had told me something was wrong.
When Caelan buried his face deeper in my hair and groaned, making a show of it, Eric huffed and got out of bed. I heard him dressing, then his feet were like heavy wet flippers across the room as he angrily moved out.
Caelan surrounded my cheeks with his hands and made me look at him. There was worry in those hazel eyes, the like of which he never usually showed unless it was about us. I knew he was the man I loved, absolutely. He was it. But he kept secrets, he wasn’t wholly mine. He had a blackness inside him I couldn’t reach. He seemed to think I was a perfect goddess, the antidote to his inertia, but I wasn’t, and that was difficult, when I was so scared of losing him and wanted to keep him but also tell him the truth sometimes.
Ever since the day Sherry had bombarded me with all those vile revelations… nothing had truly been the same. We’d merely papered the cracks, for the sake of our son.
“Tell me it was just physical and we’ll say nae more about it.”
I bit my lip and sucked back a sob. “I wish I could say that, but there’s a lot to sort through.”
His hand shook as he stroked the hair back from my forehead. “While I was gone, ye were all I thought about. Ye dinna ken how much I love ye, Flora.”
“Maybe if you were more effusive, I’d know, Caelan.” I swotted away a tear.
When the baby gave a more urgent cry, Caelan carefully stepped out of bed and grabbed the boy, bringing him to me. His bum was whiffy but the feed was more important and I let him latch on. Caelan pulled on his underpants and sat up in bed next to me, stroking his fingers through Logan’s hair.
“Ye’ve been careful?”
“Of course.” I was angry he would ask.
“How careful?” he demanded.
I looked at him then, caught his meaning, and gulped.
“Ye canna trust that man,” he groaned.
I’d let him…
Yes, I knew I needed to be tested, to be sure. He was right.
“What do ye wanna do?” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“Go back to London?”
I nodded my head.
“I’ll arrange it.”
