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“This isn’t over,” he whispered.
“I don’t believe it is. But I want you to live, Eric. And this is really hard for me. I need time to sort out my feelings. I need to be a mum.”
He kissed my forehead a few times. “Do you want more kids?”
I gulped at the thought. “I don’t know.”
“Is it because he’s Jimmy’s nephew?”
“Eric, stop,” I begged.
“You’ve let me come in you, but every time you’ve been with him, you’ve used the cap or whatever, haven’t you?” I didn’t respond, too furious he’d picked up on that.
“I love my son,” I said, nearly growling.
“Don’t doubt it, but what about the future, Flora? What do you want?”
I sat up and stared at him. “You all make me feel like I asked for this, when I never did. I never asked to have the father I have, nor for the nephew of the man… I…”
Eric lifted his hand and stroked my hair behind my ear. “Baby, don’t cry. I’m sorry. Don’t worry about me. We’ll get back to one another when the time is right. Come here.”
He turned me so I was held by his body spooning mine. I was clutched so tight between those big arms of his, I felt a moment of peace. A pure, but fleeting, moment.
“I love you,” he whispered. “Just remember that. When you’re sad, when you’re alone, know that I’ll be somewhere thinking of you. Willing the time away until we’re entwined again. Like this.”
“I love you, I want you, I need you,” I said, shattering into a million pieces.
He held me as I cried.
The truth was right there, staring me in the face.
I couldn’t get past it.
I couldn’t.
I’d ruined Caelan’s memory of his uncle and we were broken.
We’d been broken before Eric and I got together.
We’d be broken forever because of Jimmy.
No other reason but that. His uncle. My bane.
I couldn’t forget that he was his nephew and had loved such a man, and even if it had only been for a moment or even half a moment, there had been at least a moment where Caelan had considered murdering me for having taken away the only man he had ever loved.
As I settled and stroked my hands over Eric’s arms, I realised there were some nasty bumps on the inside of them, just beneath the surface of his skin. He shuddered and drew breath when I touched them, and when I lifted his arm to inspect it, I could see beneath the tattoos there was a litany of scars. Done so that nobody would find them unless they were looking.
“I self-harmed a lot,” he murmured. “I found that physical pain was all that took away the emotional pain.”
“Of what?” I said softly.
“His hatred of me. Because I was softer. Gentler. That’s why I don’t act like I do with you around Caelan. I was taught it was shameful to be loving and tender. As a man, I mean. But that’s what I am.” I rolled back over and stroked the fingers of both hands down his face, his expression crumpling, lip wobbling. “I was confused for a long time, wondering. Not sure. I wanted approval from Caelan. Validation that I wasn’t a pussy or a weakling like my dad said. And I liked how he pushed me to be better. It gave me some modicum of pride. He saved me, he did. But love doesn’t save people. Love can only comfort, strengthen and bathe a broken heart in peace. Don’t you agree?”
I lifted my mouth to his and answered the only way I knew how… with love.
As I was drifting back off to sleep, he whispered in my ear, “Until we meet again, my love. And don’t forget, when he reveals the sadist, don’t be afraid. If you’re not afraid, then he’s got nothing to revel in.”
I wasn’t sure I’d heard right, but I remembered the words when I woke up again anyway. To an empty bed.
