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I need my wife back and I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen because I’ve never felt the way I do now.
It’s like there’s a gaping fucking hole in my chest.
One that only she can fill.
25
Adeline
Iland in London just after 5:00 a.m. to three missed calls and three messages from Jameson asking me where I am. I also have a message from Vanessa letting me know that Shantel called her to find out my whereabouts.
I’m tired after the flight and don’t have it in me to call anyone back. I text them to let them know I’ve arrived safely and then slip my phone in my pocket to avoid it.
I couldn’t sleep, so I spent the entire flight ruminating on my marriage and how I’m going to make it through the rest of this year with the state my heart’s in.
The only conclusion I came to is that I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I’ve dedicated just over four months to the marriage. I’m not quitting now.
I know I shouldn’t have left like I did. I should have talked with Jameson some more about moving to London. But I wasn’t thinking straight when I made the decision. I’ve never been able to think straight when my heart is hurting. I don’t know how people manage to do that; I just don’t have that level of compartmentalizing in me. I can’t box my emotions up separately and put them away when they’re not serving me like I know some people can. I experience them all at once and just make the best choices I can in each moment to protect myself.
I pull my cap down as I get off the plane and make my way through the airport. The security that Vanessa hired find me quickly, guiding me through the maze of people, many who are trying to get photos and videos of me. Social media and the tabloids are still shining a spotlight on me. Jameson and I sometimes struggle to avoid the cameras when we go out, and today is no different. I’m relieved when I finally make it to my waiting car and the safety and privacy it provides.
I go straight to the hotel Vanessa booked. I shower and collapse into bed. I’m taking today off work to sleep and get myself together because it will be full steam ahead from tomorrow.
Sleep claims me until lunchtime. It’s not great sleep because my mind won’t switch off all the thoughts I’m having about Jameson.
I decide to go in search of food and am in a tiny coffee shop sipping coffee when Jameson calls.
I stare at the screen for long enough that the call ends.
I think I need some more time before I talk with him. I’m feeling too raw to listen to him tell me what he thinks of me leaving New York.
However, I don’t want to jerk him around. This isn’t a game I’m playing here. I’m just hurting too much for this right now.
I text him instead of returning his call.
Adeline: I shouldn’t have left without telling you, but I need some space right now. I’ll call you later.
Jameson: Where are you staying?
Adeline: Park Lane.
He doesn’t reply after that. I attempt to sit and enjoy my coffee and lunch, but I can’t stop thinking about him.
Needing something to distract me, I call Holly, the head of my London team, and tell her I’m ready to start work today rather than tomorrow. She’s excited and suggests we spend the afternoon visiting suppliers.
Half an hour later, we meet at her office before heading out.
I’m mostly successful at putting Jameson out of my mind, but I can’t deny that he’s stuck in my head like he’s moved in there for life.
I think about him when Holly and I stop at a coffee shop, and I spot red velvet cupcakes. His favorite.
I think about him when we meet with one of our suppliers. The three-piece suit the guy is wearing reminds me of the night Jameson brought dinner to my office wearing a three-piece.
I think about him when Holly has a long conversation with me about perfume and her idea to introduce a new line into our business.
“So,” Holly says at 4:00 p.m., “I was thinking it might be good to have a drink with the team tonight. You know, so that everyone has a chance to chat with you before we begin working together.”
“That’s a great idea,’ I agree.
