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My thoughts are all fucked up and I don’t know where to begin with them.
Silence fills the office while Jill and I gather ourselves.
Finally, she comes to stand next to me. “I remember the day we moved into these offices. I was so proud of you. Of everything you’d achieved.”
I remember that day too but for different reasons to Jill.
I was twenty-six and felt so far behind the game already. If my father had still been alive, I was sure he would have told me that.
I worked for nineteen hours in this office that first day. I then worked sixteen-hour days for years after that. I was determined to get ahead of the game.
I look at Jill. “I’m sorry I wasn’t present in our marriage.”
Shock covers her face.
I’m not surprised. I’ve never apologized for this.
In all the therapy we did, all the yelling, all the conversations, I accepted blame for many things, but I never once told her I was sorry for not showing up like I should have.
“You sacrificed a lot for me, Jill, and I want you to know I saw it all even if I didn’t acknowledge it.”
“Thank you for saying that,” she says softly.
“You will always mean something to me. I want you to know that. But you have to accept our marriage is over.”
She takes her time responding to that, her voice wavering when she does. “I know it’s over, Owen. I’m just having trouble letting go because even though I know deep in my heart that we were never compatible, I loved you with everything I had.” She gives me a small smile. “You were my first everything. It’s hard to let go of your first. And I’m learning it’s even harder to watch him fall for his next.”
“You know about Charlize?”
She nods. “Yes. I didn’t know who until this morning when I saw a photo of you with her at a yoga class last night on a celebrity Instagram post, but I’ve been seeing the signs for weeks. A woman knows when her ex-husband is falling in love because she was once the girl who made him act like that.”
I look back out over the city, thinking about when we first met and how we spent so many of our days helping each other study. “Do you ever think about working in law?” Jill got her law degree just before we opened these offices. She always planned on using that degree but working here took over and she never spoke of it again.
“Yes.”
I hear so much in that one word.
Regret.
Sadness.
Hope.
“I think you should consider it.”
“I have been,” she says. “I think I’ve known since our divorce that my place isn’t really here. Letting go is hard all the way around.”
I look down at her. “It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
She takes her time running her gaze over my face before saying. “Thank you for taking my back with Ron.”
“Always.”
We turn silent for a while until she gently bumps her shoulder against me. “You would never have gone to yoga with me.”
I watch her walk out of my office and I know I’ll be watching her walk out of my life soon. We’re done carving bad lines into each other’s heart. Now, it’s time for us both to let someone new carve good ones.
27
