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This pain crushing me is what I have left of him, and if I know anything right now, it’s that I never want to let him go. This pain may be the only connection to him I have left.
12
Kristen
Three Months Later
“I have never seen you eat this much ice cream or listen to a playlist of sad songs on repeat like you are,” Jenna says before her eyes widen. “Oh, shit, has something happened between you and Johnathon?” She sits next to me on my couch. “I swear I will do damage to him if he’s done something.”
I don’t want to but I turn the music down. I’ve had “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri on repeat for weeks and I still haven’t had enough of it. I feel like I need a thousand more years of this song to even come close to erasing my sadness.
Bradford announced his engagement days after he told me and as much as I’ve tried to avoid reading anything more about it on social media, his relationship is everywhere. Since launching his time management app just over a year ago and turning it into the number one productivity app, the world is even more interested in him than it already was. And Carla is the current it-girl of New York. Not only is she super successful in her career, but she also comes from the kind of family Bradford’s father would be wetting himself over. Her fashion sense is pure perfection. And she has all the right friends in her circle. Neither she nor Bradford post their lives on social media, but it seems like everyone else fucking does.
I’ve actually stopped scrolling Instagram this week. Something I never thought I’d do.
I can’t look at another thing about them. I just can’t.
All I want to do is listen to this song and eat ice cream.
I look at my sister who is staring at me, waiting eagerly for me to shed light on what’s happening in my brain. “Nothing has happened. Johnathon and I are good.”
We are. Because he’s oblivious to half the stuff going on in my life. I love him, but I’d like it if he was as good at paying attention to my details as Bradford is.
Oh, God.
Was.
As Bradford was. Not is.
I stop the sob threatening at the back of my throat.
I’ve had three months to come to terms with this and I am nowhere near close to reconciling it.
Jenna frowns. “So, what is it? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, Kris. I know it’s something.”
Bradford is still my secret and I have no intention of telling Jenna about him now. But I know she won’t let this conversation go without me giving her something. “It’s Dad.” That’s not a lie. He’s always doing something that’s hurtful.
“What did he do?”
“He promoted Lyle.”
Her eyes widen more than they did before. “You are fucking kidding me.”
I give her a look that says I’m not while spooning more ice cream into my mouth. “Can we swap lives?”
She laughs. “Okay, so now I know things are really bad. You would hate my life.”
I sigh. I probably would. Jenna’s carefree and doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. I’d like to try that life out, but I don’t think my personality is built for it.
“You should come out with me tonight,” she says, getting excited at the thought. “Shona and I are checking out a new club that’s just opened.” Jenna and her best friend love to dance the night away in clubs I’d rather pretend don’t exist.
I shudder. “I think I’ll pass.” I can’t think of anything worse than drinking and dancing in a club filled with men who want to put their hands all over me. No, thank you.
She nudges me with her foot. “Come on, Kris. You might have some fun.”
“I also might not. Besides, Johnathon and I are planning a quiet night in. He’s worked late every night this week and wants some time alone tonight.”
“Does that man ever not work?”
