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“Kristen, this is the last time I will say this. Come home and sign these divorce papers.” The ice in his voice settles over me but I don’t let it affect me how it once would have.
“And this is the last time I will saythis. I’m not divorcing Bradford.”
“I will disinherit you if you don’t divorce him. I will give your job to someone else. And you won’t be welcome in my home ever again.”
My heart slows all the way down as his words bleed into me.
I feel dizzy, like I might pass out.
“You won’t do all that.” Even as the words breathe out of me, I know I’m wrong. He will do all those things in the blink of an eye. My father is an expert at withholding love; I have no doubt he’ll be an expert in denying my existence and taking as many things from me as he can.
“I will. If you’re not here within the next hour, I will do all of those things.”
I don’t even have to think about my choice, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. This decision might be the easiest one I’ve ever made, but it destroys me in so many ways. Ways I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from.
“You can take all those things from me, Dad, but I’m not divorcing Bradford.”
The silence that greets me as he ends the call feels like a sharp blade through my heart. I have no idea what it feels like to bleed out, but I imagine it might feel how I do right now.
I’m weak.
Numb.
Dizzy like I’ve never been.
I think I might be sick.
“Oh, God.” When Bradford’s strong arms come around me, I madly shake my head, trying to push out of his hold. “I’m going to vomit.”
He gets me to the bathroom just in time, holding my hair while I’m violently sick.
All my feelings of not being lovable, not being good enough, not beingenoughhave flared up and it feels like this is my body’s way of forcing them all out of me.
I am lovable.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
One thing I’ve learned in therapy is that while my mind can be good at denying the truth, my body knows it deeply and experiences it as anxiety. I’ve done a lot of work on easing my anxiety and I’m not going backward now. I refuse to allow my father to undo all my hard work, even if it involves me chanting fucking affirmations about being enough,
I clean myself up and lift my face to look at Bradford. “Dad’s disinheriting me and he made it clear I’m never welcome in his home again. And I’ve lost my job.”
“Fuck.” He gives me only one word but I hear and see it in him that that word covers everything. It’s filled with anger, compassion, concern. He cradles the back of my head with one hand while the other one curves around my body so he can pull me close. He doesn’t say anything while he holds me, but he doesn’t need to. Bradford’s actions always speak for him.
I cling to him for a long time. My mind doesn’t race with wild thoughts about what my father is doing. Instead, I surrender to it because that’s all Icando. There is not one thing I can do to appease my father except the one thing I refuse to do.
Bradford gives me all the time I need, and when I finally lift my tear-stained face to his, he looks at me with the kind of tenderness and care no man has ever looked at me with. “Is this what you want, Kristen? You’ve asked me if I’m happy with my choice, but I haven’t asked you.”
“Yes.”
“It’s a lot to walk away from. I understand if you need time to think about it.”
“I don’t need time, Bradford. I chose you a long time ago, you just didn’t know it. I’m never walking away from you again.” I wipe my tears from my face. “A parent shouldn’t intentionally inflict pain so they can get what they want. And now that I’ve learned about setting boundaries, I see that he’s always done this to me. I’m not walking away from him so much as I’m walking away fromthat. I need to put myself first.” I smile sadly at him. “I never really had my father. Not in the way I needed. You can’t walk away from something you never had to begin with.”
His eyes hold a thousand emotions and I watch as he wars with himself over this. “I agree with all of that, but—”
I press a finger to his lips. “No buts. I want you. I choose you. And I choose me too.”
