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I didn’t want to talk about this shit anymore.
I wanted to go home and pray I still had someone to go home to.
I found her sitting on my bed in the clubhouse, looking out the window. Closing the door, I leaned against it and sighed. She didn’t even acknowledge me. I could see tear streaks on her face.
She’d been crying.
“I was three when my mother died of breast cancer,” she began. Her voice was so soft, almost as if she were far away somewhere else. “I never got the chance to know her. My father died a few years later in a motorcycle accident. His death decimated my grandfather and Kole. I soon found myself handed off to nurses, nannies, teachers, anyone my grandfather thought I would need. I was only a little girl. I didn’t need those people. I needed my grandfather and brother. Kole left when I was nine. By then, I was used to people leaving me. I grew numb to it.
“I never had many friends. Those I had, I didn’t understand. They had loving parents who always seemed to annoy them. They never understood how much I envied them. I would have given anything to have someone care about me that much. When I met John, I thought I found that. He was just more. Kind, generous, he always laughed and dear God was he affectionate. Sometimes I felt as if he was smothering me, but I soaked it all up, craving everything he gave me.
“I should have known it was a lie because everything good in my life always turned bad. My parents, my brother, my grandfather. Nobody wanted me but for a short time. John did until he didn’t. In some ways, I understand him more than I did the others. As calculated as he was, he was honest. He wanted my money. Of course, I only realized that after the wedding, but it’s the truth. Bruises and pain eventually heal. And for a time, I forgave him because he chose me. Wanted me.
“It’s the other pain I can’t reconcile. Knowing that someone loves me wants me but refuses to stay. Am I that awful? Did I do something wrong in a past life to be treated this way? I don’t know. I now know that I’m unlovable. Maybe I am not meant to be loved. I can open my heart and love many people, but I can’t expect it in return.”
“What I did was wrong. I didn’t think.”
“It doesn’t matter. This was only temporary. Deep down, I knew someone like you could never really love someone like me. I accepted that a long time ago. It’s okay Kansas, really. I’m not upset. I should thank you for reminding me of the truth.”
“But it’s not the truth, Kaliope.”
She slowly got to her feet and turned to look at me. Her eyes were vacant and lifeless. I hated seeing her this way. I wanted my woman back. The one full of love and joy. I wanted the spark back. “You are an amazing man, Kansas Aaron Stone, and I wish you nothing but happiness. I hope you find it. I really do. You deserve it.”
Pushing off the wall, I grabbed her hands, bringing them to my lips. Kissing them, I whispered the only thing I knew to say, “I love you, Kali. I loved you from the moment I first saw you on the gurney. You looked like an angel,and I knew you were mine.”
She said nothing as she stared right through me.
Running my hands up her arms, I cupped her face. “I love you.”
Standing stock still, she still stayed silent.
Leaning forward, I gently kissed herforehead, her eyes, her cheeks, nose. Each time, whispering I love you. When she didn’t respond, I kissed her lips so tenderly it felt as if my heart was breaking. I needed to reach her, to make her understand she is worthy of love, that I loved her.
“I’m so sorry. I was an ass. I didn’t think. I freaked out and thought I was to blame, that my past put you and the kids in danger. I didn’t want to be the cause of something happening to you. So, I left. I know it was stupid and idiotic. I am so sorry if I made you feel unwanted. Baby, I do want you. I want you and the kids. I want the kids to have my last name. I want you sealed to me for all time. I want to sit on our front porch, old and gray, and watch our grandkids laugh and play and when we die, I want to spend eternity with you in the ever after. I want it all, Kali. Only with you.”
Standing stiffly in my arms, Kali didn’t move. Didn’t blink. She was there, but not. She’d completely shut down before my eyes and I didn’t know how to reach her. Pence’s words filtered into my head.
Lay myself bare.
There were things I never wanted to think about again. I couldn’t. The pain was still raw, but deep down I knew the only way I was going to reach Kali was to tell her everything. Every sordid detail of my past and hope that she understood why I acted the way I did.
“I was seventeen when I first fell in love. Her name was Amy. She was the younger sister of August Lansing. He was the doctor that treated you and brought you here to Oklahoma. Anyway, I fell for Amy right away. She was young, exciting and loved to have fun. She was also the first girl I ever slept with. I was young and stupid back then and I ignored my brothers when they told me not to get attached. But I already was. It was a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday, and Montana and Arizona wanted to take me to a football game. I told them I wouldn’t go unless Amy could go with us. In the end, they relented. It snowed the night before the game. The roads were slick and icy. On the way to the game, Montana lost control of the car and we went over a bridge into the icy river. I was in the backseat with Amy and Dakota. There were only two seatbelts back there, and Amy wasn’t wearing one. When the car hit the water, Amy flew forward, hitting her head on the dashboard, breaking her neck instantly. Montana got us all out but left Amy in the car. What no one knew was that Amy was pregnant with my kid. Because of me, she died that day, and I never forgave Montana for leaving her. That’s why I left my family.
“I rode around a lot after that, never staying in one place too long until Big Jim found me. He talked me into prospecting for the Diamondbacks and I did. After I got my patch, I met Katie. You already know what happened to her. You see Kali, before you, I’ve only loved two women in my life. Each time, I got them pregnant, only to lose them all. When the fire happened, I freaked out. I just found you and I couldn’t go through losing you the same way I lost Amy or Katie, so I left. I thought I was saving you and the kids because if anything happened to you because of me, I would never recover from that. While I loved Amy and Katie, what I feel for you goes much deeper. Maybe it’s because of everything I survived. Maybe my age plays a role, but the fact is, I love you more than my own life. I can’t live in this world without you. I don’t want to and I won’t.”
Finished, I waited for her to say anything.
When silence loomed, I stepped back, knowing what I said wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t force her to stay with me. I wasn’t made that way. Heading for the door, I had just placed my hand on the knob when I heard her say, “I’m sorry about Amy and Katie, Kansas, but I am not them. I’m still here. I’m alive. We’ve both suffered trauma and are still breathing. I can’t predict the future, but I plan on living my life as if today is my last day. That’s all I can do. Bad shit happens every day. If we go through life thinking about all the what ifs, then our fears will win. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to let fear rule my life. I can’t. And I won’t stay with a man who bolts at the first sign of trouble. How can I ever trust that you won’t freak out again? What will you do if Talia falls and breaks her arm? What happens if I’m in a car accident or God forbid, I get cancer like my mother? Life isn’t perfect, Kansas. It’s messy. It’s how we handle every situation that makes us stronger.”
She was right.
I knew she was.
I failed her and now I had to convince her I could be the man she needed me to be. Love fucking sucked but damn it was worth it. She was worth it. I just needed her to believe that I was worth taking another chance on.
“I can’t promise you I won’t overreact. My past actions speak volumes, but I can promise I won’t run again. No matter what happens, I will try my hardest to stay calm and reasonable.”
She sighed. “I don’t think that’s a promise that will keep.”
