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“Nope.” I can’t help the satisfied grin that stretches my cheeks.
“I like you, I don’t think that’s in question anymore. I’m honestly mystified by you, and it’s hard to not want to keep learning more. To get closer.”
“Why do I sense a but coming here?” My palms start to sweat.
“I haven’t been dating.” He sighs, and I get the feeling he doesn’t want to have this conversation.
“Okay? You don’t want anyone to know you’re dating, or that you’re dating me? If that’s what we’re talking about here because I’m not quite sure.”
“It’s just, I haven’t been sleeping with anyone.” Patrick looks like he’s trying to choose his words very carefully.
“You’re on a celibacy vow?” I don’t laugh, in case that’s the reason, but I can’t imagine this guy not getting around.
“I’m not. Well, not intentionally. Jeez, uh …”
My heart does a funny wiggle in my chest, indicating that I might be walking down the wrong path when it comes to this guy.
“Patrick, if you’re a self-proclaimed bachelor, I get it. It’s not like it’s the best time for me to be seeing someone. And I don’t want someone who doesn’t want the things I do. Which are kids and marriage, to be frank. That’s supposed to scare guys off, but I’ve seen enough of them bolt for lesser reasons, and I’m done being unhappy. So if you can’t be the kind of man I want, it’s better that you’re telling me now.”
Looking up to the sky, he chuckles. “Cassandra, you couldn’t be further from the truth and yet nailing it right on the head all at the same time. I haven’t been dating because I broke off an engagement.”
It’s like he just dropped a bomb on me.
“Oh.” I blink.
Never in a million years did I think that’s what he would say. I don’t know why it never dawned on me that we’re at the age where Patrick could have had a full marriage and divorce already, but it didn’t. When I first saw him again, and there was no ring on his finger, I never thought to consider other avenues.
“Yeah. It was my second, actually. Engagement, that is. This time, I didn’t wait until right before the wedding. Besides those, I’ve also been in two very long-term relationships. I’m what they call a serial monogamist, and I didn’t even know I was. This might sound cliché or lame, but I’ve always looked at my parent’s marriage. At my entire family of people who seem to fall deeply in love and spend the rest of their life with that person. That’s what I’ve wanted. And I’ve struck out a lot of times. I broke off my engagement six months ago and haven’t been dating because I thought I needed a break. To search within myself, I guess. But also, I want to find the person who is meant for me. Maybe I can’t trust my instincts to know when it’s the real thing.”
The subtext is that the next relationship he gets into will be his last. This puts a lot of pressure on someone who isn’t even sure she’s staying here. And yet …
There is no pressure, or at least I’m not scared off by his confession.
“The way you describe love and marriage … it sounds perfect.” I exhale dreamily. “I grew up in a world where I saw none of that. I find it admirable that you want that, and don’t want to settle for less.”
“A lot of women see a walking red flag when it comes to me. The man who can’t settle down no matter how hard he tries.”
“Sure, that’s a concern. But I’m not asking for anything, Patrick. And we’ve already slept together, so you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. I want you in my bed again.”
He shakes his head as he looks down at his shoes. “You don’t play games, do you? It’s so fucking refreshing.”
“What’s the point? I’ve been talked about and talked down to for so long, I don’t want to do it anymore. I like you. I’m here for as long as I say I am. All that I ask is that you respect me, acknowledge me, and don’t lie about what’s going on between us.”
Patrick studies me for a second. “The things I want, I’m serious about them. I don’t want a fling, and let’s be honest, the way I’m attracted to everything about you doesn’t feel small or fleeting. This quickly, that can be scary. Or fizzle out.”
“Patrick, I reached a place in my life where I was completely unhappy. All the things I had, they weren’t really what I desired. We’ve both failed many times at trying to get exactly what we want, what’s one more? But maybe this time, we don’t fail. Maybe I’m exactly who you’ve been looking for. And maybe this is exactly what I’ve wanted all along.” I’m awfully confident for a woman who hasn’t been sure about much in the last two years.
I’m also awfully confident for a woman with big feelings for this man. And, as he pointed out, big feelings at a very quick pace. But I’m done not asking for what I want. I’m done not doing what I feel in my heart. I listened to my head for a long time, maybe it’s time for a different organ to start making the decisions.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Patrick says quietly.
“Because of who my father was?” This conversation is so honest it hurts, but it’s necessary.
“Not really. I mean, it’s a part of it. But there are a lot of complications here. A relationship between us isn’t going to come easy.”
“You know what they say about things that come hard.” I give him a wry smile.
“You and those dirty jokes make me want to say fuck everything else.” He stops walking and takes my hand in his.
