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“Are you sure you had enough? Cam’s fried chicken almost tastes better cold than it does warm,” Ford said. He was up to his elbows in soapy water, a stack of dirty dishes sitting next to the sink on his right side.
I could tell my friend was nervous and I couldn’t really blame him. I had been and still was preoccupied with the encounter I’d had with Lincoln that afternoon. The man had been a no-show for dinner. I’d been desperate to know where he was but there was no way I could have asked without making everyone curious. Thankfully, Walter had taken care of it for me by asking if Nurse Ratchet had gone to get his dong “fix.”
I’d barely caught any of the conversation that had followed after Riley had mistakenly heard fixed instead of fix. The teen had then asked why a dong would need fixing. I’d tuned the rest out as I’d tried to eat more of the fried chicken on my plate, but I’d started to feel sick to my stomach, so I’d poked at the mashed potatoes instead. The food had been delicious and for once I hadn’t hesitated to eat a few bites of it even though I’d been a mess of nerves as I’d waited for Lincoln to appear in the kitchen.
He and I hadn’t spoken during the walk back to the house and as soon as we’d reached it, Lincoln had told me he needed to get something from his car which was parked on the other side of the driveway. I’d been both disappointed and relieved as I’d hurried to my room. I’d spent the next hour reexamining every moment that I’d spent with Lincoln. I’d also played with the band on my wrist, especially when I’d thought back to the moment where I’d told him what had happened to Ford and me as kids. Surprisingly, several hard snaps of the band had helped bring my anxiety down enough that the cold feeling I normally felt didn’t escalate.
I had questions.
A million of them.
And the only person who could answer them had left so he could apparently go fuck some stranger or maybe even a boyfriend. Hell, with what little I knew about him, he could be into women. The way he’d looked at me, though… the way he’d looked at my mouth. Yeah, he was definitely into guys, but he could easily be bisexual.
Why the fuck do you even care, you idiot? The second he finds out—
“Theo?” Ford interrupted sharply. When my eyes met his, I realized he’d probably been trying to get my attention for a while.
“Sorry, what?” I asked as I released the death grip I had on the plate I’d been drying.
“Did you want to take some chicken up to your room with you?”
“Oh no, I’m good,” I responded. “Couldn’t eat another bite,” I added with my usual fake smile. “A hot, uniformed boyfriend and he can cook too? You hit the mother lode, Ford.” I laughed.
“Yeah, I did,” Ford responded, though there was no humor in his voice. He handed me another wet plate. I began drying when he asked, “You’re happy here, right, Theo?”
I paused and looked up. I dropped the right mask into place but before I could respond, Ford added, “I mean, I know it hasn’t really been long, especially with you being sick those first few days, but we haven’t really had a chance to talk, and I don’t know if it’s because you don’t want to talk or—”
I reached one hand out and covered his forearm. It took every ounce of mental strength I had to touch him as I said, “I’m good, Ford.We’regood.”
It was a lame response, but I didn’t know what else to say. I sure as shit couldn’t tell him the truth.
You had no problem telling Lincoln the truth this afternoon.
I blocked out the too-observant voice in my head. “Sorry, I guess I’ve just got a lot on my mind. Career stuff,” I added in hopes of mollifying Ford.
“Are you thinking about quitting your job at the home?” he asked as he began washing dishes more steadily and then handing them to me.
It took me a second to remember that I’d told Ford and Cam that I worked part time with people with developmental disabilities. I hadn’t exactly lied about that because I had done some janitorial work at a group home a while ago, but it had shut down due to budget cuts less than a month after I’d started.
I shrugged. “Maybe,” I lied. I paused before I said, “So I have to know how you ended up with all this.” I held out both arms and looked around the room. I had my hoodie on once again, so I didn’t have to worry about exposing my arms. The sleeve didn’t cover the hair tie around my wrist, though. I’d told myself to take the thing off while I’d been in my room trying to figure out how that afternoon with Lincoln had even happened. I’d done it, too—a couple of times. But every time that elastic was removed from my skin it just felt wrong and I’d put it back on. Thankfully, no one had noticed it and if they had, they hadn’t asked about it.
Ford’s smile was genuine as he began telling me about the turn of events that had gotten him away from the family who’d refused to love him because he wasn’t what their precious God had said he should be. By the time his story was finished, we were sitting at the table again with giant pieces of chocolate cake in front of us. While Ford’s story had made me warm and happy inside for him, it had also been bittersweet because I didn’t really know the man across from me anymore. He wasn’t my best friend or confidante. He was just another person I had to lie to.
What if Jimmy hadn’t come into the shed that day? The reality was that my relationship with Ford would have been discovered at some point and we likely would have been torn apart anyway, but maybe we would have still found a way to stay connected. I’d always thought myself in love with Ford when we’d been teenagers with raging hormones but looking back, I knew that had never really been the case. Just watching Ford and Cam together was confirmation that I’d loved Ford as my best friend and nothing more. I didn’t know exactly what Cam and Ford or even Walter and Lenny felt for each other, but I knew it wasn’t anything I’d ever known.
Would likely never know, either.
An uncomfortable silence fell across the room and I realized Ford was watching me intently. I had no idea if he had asked me something or not, so I smiled a dopey grin at him. “Sorry, I guess today kind of wore me out. Do you mind if I take this with me and eat it in my room a little later?” I asked as I motioned to the piece of cake in front of me. I had been too on edge to take even a single bite of it.
“No, not at all. Do you want some milk or water or something to go with it?” Ford asked as he quickly jumped to his feet.
I stood and picked up the plate and fork. “No, I’ve got plenty of water in my water bottle upstairs. Good night.”
I turned to leave the kitchen but wasn’t able to make the clean getaway I was hoping for because Ford said, “Theo?”
I stopped and looked over him with as much contentment as I could muster. Fuck, why was it getting so much harder to do this?
Ford watched me for a long time. It looked like he wanted to say something—something important. But he must have picked up on something in my expression because he simply said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
