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“Take deep breaths, baby,” Theo reminded me. I didn’t even realize I’d been holding my breath until he said the words. I began the arduous task of returning to the present. The breaths came easier than I expected and any tears I’d shed had dried up. The pain inside still felt like it was ripping me in two and I instinctively tried to crush it down, but when he whispered, “Let go, Lincoln. I’ve got you,” that pain came rushing to the surface.
I clung to Theo as sob after sob racked my entire body. I shed every tear, screamed every howl of pain, and released all the rage I’d been hanging on to from the moment I’d returned home expecting to find my nearly full-grown little brother becoming a man only to learn he’d suffered more in one minute than I had in all those years of combat.
When I’d managed to calm down enough to speak, I admitted one of the multiple ugly truths that I’d buried so deep I’d vowed it would never see the light of day. “I’m so fucking angry, Theo. So fucking angry. At my parents, at myself, at all those doctors who missed the signs, at the ones who didn’t buck the rules and tell my brother the truth about his condition rather than letting my family feed his hope with lies, at all those nurses and therapists who treated him like a paycheck and nothing more. And… and…”
When I couldn’t admit my deepest shame, Theo did it for me. “You’re mad at him too,” he said softly.
“I loved him so much, but all those years he glossed over what was happening to him…”
“To protect you,” he said.
“That wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.Iwas supposed to look out for him. I should have been able to see in his eyes that something was wrong. I could have left the army sooner. I could have made sure he got the best care.”
Theo shifted back so he could look me in the eye. “Did Rabbit ever try to take his own life after he found out there was no cure for his condition?”
“What?” I automatically asked even though I’d heard the question. I just hadn’t been expecting it. I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
“Don’t you see, Lincoln? He was waiting for you. He knew youwouldbe the one to protect him. He knewyouwould be the one who took care of him and gave him what he needed… what hereallyneeded. And he waited because he needed you to do exactly what you did. Hold him in your arms and tell him he didn’t need to be strong anymore. That you were there to be that for him.”
I sat there in silence for a long time as I absorbed Theo’s words. I’d never even considered the fact that Rabbit had been waiting for me. And what if I had come home sooner and seen him when he’d still looked like himself? Would I have accepted his decision? Would I have understood how much pain he was truly in and that he had the right to choose how and when he left this world? Or would I have done what my father and stepmother had done? Lived in denial and gone in search of a cure that didn’t exist? Ignored the advice of the experts who’d known more about Rabbit’s condition than anyone else? Lied to him and told him he’d get better just to buy myself some time to come to terms with how I’d ever be able to live without him?
All the what-ifs began to hit me at once and I found myself off-balance. It was Theo who helped me lie down on the soft bed of leaves behind me. Then he was at my side, his arms wrapped around me.
Even as the questions continued to swirl around in my head, I could feel my eyes growing heavy and before I knew it, blissful sleep took over. Before everything went dark, I wondered if those questions would all still be there when I woke up. Would I have any answers to them by then? And if by some miracle I did, would any one of them mean the difference between those claws of despair continuing to tear me in two or maybe, just maybe, would I finally feel even just a little bit whole again?
CHAPTERSIXTEEN
THEO
Even in his sleep, Lincoln’s arms kept me snugly pressed against his chest. I should have been eager to escape his hold but the sound of his heartbeat beneath my ear and the ambient sounds of the forest as every bird, every animal, every trickle of water went on as if it were any other day somehow brought me comfort as I tried to process everything Lincoln had told me.
I didn’t have any siblings, so I didn’t know what it was like to have that kind of bond with another person. My parents hadn’t been unkind to me when I’d been a child, but we’d never been the kind of family who said I love you or talked about our feelings. My father never hit me, my mother never yelled at me. No, they’d been too pious for that. I couldn’t help but wonder how they would have behaved if fate had chosen to strike me down with some horrible disease or condition like poor Rabbit. I suspected that they would have looked to God to provide the answer. After all, wasn’t that exactly what they’d done when they’d learned their son was slated for a life of eternal damnation?
There would have been no one to wait for to come save me, to set me free.
I supposed Ford had been like a brother to me; at least before the lust had taken over anyways. But Ford had been dealing with an even worse fate than I had when we’d met. While my family had merely ignored me, his had turned him into their whipping boy. His parents had been just as religious as mine but whereas his had reminded him daily of his sins, mine hadn’t turned on me until I’d committed an unforgivable one.
Suicide was supposedly a sin that sent you straight to hell, yet Lincoln’s brother hadn’t believed in any of that. Despite everything he’d been going through, he’d seen the way his big brother had been treated by the parents who should have loved him unconditionally, even if one hadn’t been bound to him by blood. Rabbit had had every reason in the world to beg his brother not to leave for the army, but he’d done the exact opposite. He’d urged his big brother to pursue his dream. He’d let Lincoln go. Set him free. And then Rabbit had suffered for years as he’d waited for a cure that would never come. But he’d known Lincoln would. He’d known Lincoln would look past his own selfish needs and give his little brother what he’d needed. And he’d believed that God would accept him into heaven despite his decision to take his own life. I had no idea what religion, if any, Rabbit had adhered to, but to know in his heart without any doubt that a better life was waiting for him…
To be so brave and so strong at such a young age.
“What has you thinking so hard?” I heard Lincoln say right before he moved one of his arms enough to stroke his fingers up and down my arm. He sounded lighter but I knew it would be a long time before he’d truly be free of the demons that had been haunting him for so long… that would continue to try and haunt him for the rest of his days.
“I was thinking about how much I would have liked your brother,” I murmured against Lincoln’s rising and falling chest. His touch was making me deliciously sleepy.
“He would have liked you too,” he said. “You remind me of him.”
“I do?” I asked in surprise.
Lincoln was silent for a moment. “You’re strong like he was. You put others before yourself.”
His statement made my blood run cold. I was nothing like his brother. If he knew the truth about what had been done to me, what I’d done to myself…
I quickly pulled free of Lincoln’s hold to put several inches between us and pretended to be preoccupied with getting the damp leaves out of my hair and off my clothing. “We should probably get back. Someone might be missing us soon and you need to take care of Walter—”
I tried to get to my feet, but Lincoln managed to snag my hand before I could make my escape. He made getting up look graceful and then he was pulling me up. But he didn’t release me. Instead, he pulled me against his chest and cupped the back of my neck with his hand. Unlike the last time he kissed me, I saw this one coming from a mile away and I had every chance to stop him. To tell him it couldn’t happen, that I didn’t want it. My hands were stuck between our bodies so I could have used them to shove him away, but I was just too fucking caught up in the way he was looking at me.
Almost like he didn’t recognize me or something.
