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“I was so fucking scared, Lincoln,” I finally said. “That guy walked in and pointed the gun at us and there was nothing in his eyes and I couldn’t do a fucking thing. Riley was crying and I just sat there.”
“Riley is a strong kid, Theo. He’ll be okay, I promise. If you hadn’t done what you did…”
Lincoln’s voice sounded strangled. Enough so that I forced myself to look at him.
“I was so afraid I wouldn’t make it in time,” he admitted.
I wanted to touch him. To take his hand and tell him how fucking brave I thought he was, but I knew if my skin came into contact with his, I’d shatter into a million pieces.
“I left because I knew if you came out of that house and took me in your arms, I’d never be able to let you go,” I managed to admit. “I was so scared that I’d never see you again when that guy walked into the house. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to tell you how sorry I was for what I did this morning after we got back from our walk. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to explain that when you fucking held my hand this morning, it made me forget that the peace inside of me wasn’t real and then I saw the house and it all came back…”
I felt a sob catch in my throat, but I managed to swallow it down. I sensed Lincoln reaching for me, so I quickly jumped off the hood of the car. “Don’t… don’t touch me, okay? Please?” I practically begged as I wrapped my arms around myself.
“Okay,” Lincoln responded carefully. I wondered if he was finally realizing how close to coming apart I really was.
I couldn’t help but look at him as I whispered, “I’ve told so many lies, Lincoln. I’ve done things. Bad things. I’ve been sitting here all day trying to figure out how we could be the same people who joked about this place yesterday in the car. How we could be the same people who watched the sun rise this morning with that poor dog at our side who didn’t have to be afraid for a few minutes. Just like I wasn’t afraid. I wanted to figure out how to do all that without having to tell you the truth about who I really am and why we can never be together.”
I moved around the side of the car and leaned back against the driver’s side door.
I stiffened as I felt the car shift. I knew he hadn’t gotten off the hood of the car just to pace around or put more distance between us. My brain was screaming at me to move but my body refused to heed the order. When Lincoln appeared in front of me and caged me in by placing his palms against the car on each side of me, I wanted so many different things.
I wanted him to kiss me.
I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay.
I wanted him to tell me he was done with me.
I wanted anything that would put an end to the numbness that was building inside of me. I automatically began snapping the hair tie around my wrist.
“When did you put that back on your wrist?” Lincoln asked.
It was the last question I was expecting. “Last night,” I responded. “After we got back from our drive.”
“Why?”
“What?” I asked in confusion.
“Why did you put it on if yesterday made you feel like the person you used to be?”
“Because it hurt,” I whispered. “It hurt to know I couldn’t be him anymore. That I couldn’t be him for you.”
“Yesterday wasn’t the day I fell in love with you, Theo,” Lincoln said harshly. “The day we kissed for the first time wasn’t the day I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you the day you found me sitting by the stream that first time. Do you remember?”
I didn’t even manage a nod because my chest felt like it was going to explode. He loved me? He couldn’t love me. He didn’t know me. Not the real me. I opened my mouth to tell him so, but he kissed me before I could say anything. He kept the kiss tame, but I was still breathless when he pulled his mouth from mine. His lips were just inches away.
“You could tell I was upset about something, but you didn’t press me to tell you what. You talked to me. You stayed when I asked you to. You held my hand when I needed you to. You told me I was a terrible liar. Even though you were still angry with me because you thought I was like all the other assholes who judged your reactions to your scars, you stayed… you were worried about me. You didn’t try to force me to talk about it, though.”
“Lincoln, you—”
He kissed me again to shut me up. When he broke the kiss, he gruffly said, “My turn to talk.”
My brain was screaming at me that the sweet, gentle, amazing man in front of me had it all wrong and if he knew the truth, he wouldn’t be saying such things. But my heart was a different story. Who knew hope lived in the heart? At least it did for me because everything about him, his words, his kiss, his eyes—they were all making my heart ignore my brain.
“That day was Rabbit’s birthday,” Lincoln said softly.
“And the day he died,” I responded gently. I could still remember holding Lincoln in my arms as he’d cried the following day after telling me the details of Rabbit’s life and death.
“I wasn’t in a good place that day, Theo. I’ve spent that anniversary alone every year since I lost him. I never told anyone about it, and my father doesn’t call me—he never has. My stepmother, on the other hand, calls on that day every year to remind me that I’m a murderer and I should be rotting in prison.”
