AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I guess I really did it this time, huh?” he said. I was shocked when he eased one arm from around Ford and held it out to me. I immediately took it and pressed a kiss to the backs of his fingers.
“The only thing you did, baby, was stop running.”
* * *
It’d been three days since Theo’s meltdown and while he seemed more relaxed in the way he carried himself, he hadn’t spoken much. The few times he had, it had beenhimspeaking. The masks, for now, seemed to have disappeared. He’d also stopped wearing my Henley or his hoodie unless he actually was cold. The scars on his arms were on full display for everyone in the house to see. I could only assume Cam had explained what the scars were to Riley, Lenny, and Walter because the trio had never stared at them or asked Theo about them as far as I knew. They treated him as they always had.
Like he was family.
Because that was what he was.
He just didn’t believe it yet.
After he’d woken up from the sedative and hugged Ford, I’d left the room to give them some privacy. Ford had knocked on my open bedroom door fifteen minutes later to let me know that Theo had fallen back asleep. Since that hadn’t been enough time for them to have the real talk they needed to have about the event that had changed both their lives when they’d been caught in that shed, I knew it was something that would probably happen at some point when both men were emotionally strong enough.
That was assuming Theo hung around long enough to even have that conversation. Since he hadn’t said much of anything, I had no idea if he was still planning on leaving Pelican Bay at some point. I was always on edge when I didn’t know where he was because my mind automatically told me he’d quietly disappeared, and I knew I’d never be able to find him.
In terms of my relationship with him, I had no clue where I stood. Since the night he’d told me that he and I couldn’t be together because he was incapable of any kind of physical intimacy, I hadn’t brought the issue up.
Not because I agreed with him.
Because I most definitely didnotagree with him on that reasoning.
But I also knew the abuse Theo had suffered at the hands of the fucking zealot who’d used a warped view of religion as a way to rake in a shit-ton of cash wasn’t something he could just put behind him. As a nurse, I’d seen plenty of individuals who’d suffered from all different kinds of abuse, but I’d never encountered any patient who’d been through anything that even came close to what Theo had survived.
While Cam had quietly been researching what he could find out about the so-called camp Theo had been held prisoner in, I’d been doing my own homework. I’d searched the internet for stories of survivors of conversion therapy so I could learn more about the emotional and mental toll that they’d lived with both then and now. During my research, I’d found several articles about electroshock therapy that had been widely used in the decades before Theo had even been born. I’d seen an actual picture of the device Theo had described to me. It was just as he'd said—there’d been a slide projector attached to a box with several dials that I could only assume controlled the level of shock delivered to the patient. I’d become violently ill as my mind had formed a more realistic picture of the man I loved being strapped to a chair and literally electrocuted if his body reacted the way it had been naturally designed to react. Even after he’d told them what they’d wanted to hear, the torture had continued.
Many of the survivors of the so-called treatment—that had been rejected as a therapeutic technique by mental health professionals when the American Psychiatric Association had officially announced that homosexuality was not a mental disorder in 1987—had continued to struggle with what had been done to them for the rest of their lives. Some had even committed suicide.
After I’d done as much research as I could, I’d started to look for therapists who specifically dealt with survivors of conversion therapy. It wasn’t something I’d approached Theo about, but if and when we had that conversation, I wanted every resource at my disposal to make sure he got the help he needed.
I knew that was another conversation that was a long way off and I was okay with that. I would wait for however long it took for Theo to decide how he wanted to move forward with his recovery. That was assuming he would even want to get help someday. Despite him seeming more at ease in the past few days, I knew his subconscious was still reliving the fear of Father Abbott finding him and returning him to The Tower. I knew it because in his sleep, Theo would cry out many of the words he’d most certainly screamed as he’d been tortured. Thankfully, I’d been there to either wake him up or try and calm him down with soft words reminding him he was safe in the hopes that he'd settle without waking up.
I hadn’t expected that Theo would want to share my bed with me beyond the night he’d told me about what had been done to him, but that was exactly what had happened. He’d still go to his own room after saying good night to whoever was still up and about, but by the time I got to my own room after doing my last check on Walter, Theo was always already in my bed. He’d been awake each night, but we hadn’t spoken as I’d gotten into the bed, and I’d let him determine our sleeping positions. So far, he always went to sleep with his back pressed against my front and my arm around his waist. Every morning I’d awoken to him snuggled up against my side with his head on my chest and the palm of his hand pressed flat right where my heart was.
“This is it,” I said softly so I wouldn’t startle Theo, who’d been staring out the window for the entire car ride. I was glad when he didn’t flinch or tense up in response to my words. Instead, he straightened in the seat a little and then sent me a soft smile.
“Remember, you don’t need to meet anyone if you don’t want. We can just check out the different habitats and leave whenever you’re ready,” I said as I parked the car in front of the small office building. There were no other cars in the lot but that was the way I’d wanted it, so I’d specifically asked the owners of the wildlife sanctuary if we could come by after hours.
“Okay,” Theo responded.
I tried to get out of the car fast enough that I could open Theo’s door for him, but the best I could do was hold out my hand to help him out of the vehicle. It wasn’t like he actually needed the help; it was just an excuse to touch him.
I fully expected him to release my hand once he was upright, but he surprised me when he held on to it.
And kept holding it as we began to walk to the sanctuary’s entrance.
I managed to keep my cool on the outside, but inside I was doing cartwheels because it was the first time Theo had held my hand since the morning we’d walked back to the house just before the incident with Sawyer’s ex.
It was probably something Theo wasn’t really even aware of, but to me it was like I’d just won the top trophy of every sporting event that had ever existed.
Even if it was a small victory, it was a victory nonetheless, and I was desperate for every single one I could get.
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
THEO
My heart was doing little flip-flops as Lincoln continued to hold my hand while we made our way to where the habitats presumably were. I’d had a million chances to take his hand in the past few days, especially during our walks to and from our spot by the stream and while we visited with Nacho. But I’d been too much of a coward to reach for his strong fingers and since he’d shown no interest in any kind of physical contact, I’d always chickened out. I couldn’t really blame him because why in the hell would he want to hold my hand after everything I’d told him about my time at The Ranch and, more specifically, what had been done to me in The Tower?
