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I genuinely can’t imagine. Or maybe I just don’t want to. It definitely puts all Logan’s odd behavior and obsessive tendencies in a different light, and I’m not sure what to do with all the feelings that are stirred up when I think of him trying to survive that kind of terror at such a young age.
And I sure as shit can’t fault him for using whatever methods he needs to, to deal with it.
“There are a lot of horrible things in the world,” Logan finally says, obviously uncomfortable with my sympathy even though he doesn’t make any move to push me away. “It’s full of them.”
“Them?”
“Monsters.” He pauses. “Us.”
I shake my head, splaying my hand even wider across his chest. “You’re not a monster.”
There was a time I hadn’t believed that, but now I know it’s true. He may have survived one, but that didn’t make him one.
Logan cocks his head to the side. “But I am. I’ve always known it, and you’ve seen it too. I have her DNA inside me. I can’t get it out, but I’ve learned to control it. Use it. But I won’t, don’t, do the things she did to us. And never tochildren.”
He spits out the last word with pure venom, and something deep and pure opens up inside me.
Chloe and I weren’t abused as children. Our father used us, neglected us, but even though he never hurt us—not the way it sounds like Logan’s mother must have—I can still relate to that venom.
I recognize that poison, because it lives inside me too.
Even before Chloe was taken, there’s never been a single day that I haven’t felt the crushing weight of needing to stand between my little sister and the horrors of the world, and never a moment I haven’t fought against the knowledge that I’m not enough, not on my own, to truly keep her safe.
But like Logan, there was never anyone else, so I’ve had to try anyway.
And also like Logan, the one I had to protect her from first was the very parent who should have cared enough that I’d never have to.
“You’re not a monster,” I repeat softly, willing him to believe it.
I can see that he doesn’t.
His ice-blue eyes burn into me like he really can see into my soul… but now I’ve had a glimpse of his too.
I cup his jaw with my free hand, and after a minute—under my other hand, the one still splayed open on his chest—his heart starts to slow from a frantic gallop to a strong, steady beat.
I did that.
He has to feel this connection between us too.
It makes me want to kiss him.
“I promise,” I whisper instead, holding his gaze. “You’renota monster.”
Logan finally breaks eye contact, looking over my head, down the street toward Chester’s.
“We’re going to find your sister.”
I nod, letting him change the subject because he makes that sound like a promise too.
“I know we are.”
I don’t let my voice waver. The only future I can let myself believe in is one where Chloe is safe… but I’d be lying if I said that being out here, seeing that wrapper that she may or may not have left in the alley after eating a burger huddled in the cold while dodging asshats like that tweaker, made me feel anything but frantic about it.
Even if West Point hasn’t found her yet, she’snotsafe. Not while she’s living out on the streets, all on her own… like Logan once was.
The thought makes my throat close up, and even though I’m pretty sure I don’t make a sound, Logan looks back down at me.
“We’ll find her,” he repeats sharply. “Chloe’s smart, she’s strong, and she’s keeping herself alive.”
