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Oakley
Ifeel like when a woman knows, she knows.
I just hate that I know. I wish I was a man sometimes, so I didn’t have to be so fucking aware of my body. Savva just slings his dick around without so much as an afterthought, and here I am, running back to the store to grab a pregnancy test because my tits are a little bit sore, and I haven’t had my period since we started having sex.
The worst part about it isn’t even that I think I might be pregnant, it’s that I’m not completely sure until I see the results of the test, and the nearest store that has pregnancy tests is two hours away.
I’m sure they’re a dime a dozen in Las Vegas, but out here, there’s only dirt and road for miles on end.
I swapped my rental Mustang for a lease of the same car, easily able to pay the monthly premium when I have no other expenses than maintaining the bar and paying Savva. I have no rent, barely any personal expenses, and I’ve been saving up money to pay off my student loans in one lump sum.
Thanks dad!
In a mere month, my life has changed completely, and I’ve almost forgotten the struggle it used to be. Now, I’m making huge strides personally and financially, but that’s all falling into question with my latest realization.
I might be pregnant, and if I was, it would belong to Savva.
I should’ve realized the risks I was taking with him, but he had me so caught up in my feelings that it was impossible for me to see the full picture. All the things my mother warned me about pale in comparison to what I’m experiencing now.
Having a baby with a Bratva boss. It sounds impossible, but it could be my new reality.
I loosen my grip on the steering wheel when I realize my fingers have turned white. I need to find a way to relax or I’m going to have a stroke before I can even figure out whether I should be freaking out at all.
I could call my mom, but that would only lead to more anxiety. I haven’t reached out to her in ages and the first thing I tell her is that I think I might be pregnant? And then I’d have to explain who Savva was, and she’d really lose her head.
No, I must keep this a secret. Nobody can know, not even Kimberly. I know us women have to stick together, but this is something that requires the utmost care, and I can’t have someone who drinks on the job holding precious information about what’s going on inside my body.
Being close to Savva is dangerous enough, but if someone were to find out that I was having his baby, I would never be able to go outside without fearing for my life. Savva might seem to think that he can handle Stone and his Triple Six Angels, but I certainly can’t. A shotgun isn’t enough to take down an entire biker gang should they come to collect.
I turn on the radio in an attempt to drown out some of my thoughts, but they’re playing Elvis again, and every time he says the wordBaby, I cringe.
I turn it off and roll down the windows, allowing the billowing white noise to replace the fears in my head. I feel like I’m on the back of Savva’s Harley again, speeding down the road in the open air, no helmet and not a care in the world.
That man really doesn’t care much for protection.
Two hours is a long time to be thinking about nothing, so my mind eventually reverts back to what it would be like if I did have a child with Savva. I’m not even sure he’d want to keep it, but my maternal love would drive me to a different conclusion, and since I’m the one who has to carry it to term, then it’s ultimately my decision to do so.
And if Savva didn’t want the baby, then there’d really be no reason to tell him about it. I wouldn’t force him to stay just because I was pregnant, but the reverse could also be true. I wouldn’t push him away if I felt he wanted to raise the child together.
Of course, none of that really matters if he sees me more like a fling than a life-long partner. It feels unrealistic to assume that he intends to stick around forever, especially since he repeatedly gave me the option to sell Smoke, Steel, & Whiskey and get out of the payment plan.
So, I can’t rely on Savva. I have to be strong and find it in myself to go through this alone if that’s the way the cards are dealt. I don’t even want to tell my mother about it, but I can’t see myself denying her a grandchild just because we got into an argument about Angus.
Ugh, this is all so fucking confusing.
I park in front of a red and white pharmacy and sit in the car or a moment, enjoying the silence after being berated by wind for two hours. I wish I could sit here longer, but it’s going to start getting dark out soon, and that means another night at the bar. I get no breaks until Sunday.
It’s still hot outside, and I break into a sweat only to be frozen half to death when I enter the pharmacy. It’s so cold in here that I have goosebumps just seconds after walking inside.
I hurry down the isles until I find the pregnancy tests. Grabbing two, I take them to the register and pay for them with my head down. I mutter my thanks and rush back outside to the car.
I was probably in there for less than a minute, but it felt like forever. I’m sure the drive back to the bar will feel even longer, and then I’m going to have to pretend like I’m not freaking out about possibly being pregnant so that Maxim doesn’t say something about it to Savva.
I fear I’ll never have a true moment to myself now that I have a bodyguard hanging out around my bar at all hours of the night, but at least there’s someone who will make sure I’m not attacked by Stone and his gang. I’m grateful that Savva had the sense and generosity to give his services to me.
I’m able to relax a little on the drive home, my mind wandering in directions other than what I’m going to do if I’m really pregnant. I think about home for the first time since coming to Nevada, the room I grew up in, and how small everything seems in relation to the journey I’m on now. I guess I never realized how comfortable my life was until I stepped into this new one.
Now, the rules have been pulled from beneath my feet like a rug, and I’m falling with no clue where the ground is, or how hard it will be when I hit it.
