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But as we continue down the highway, my thoughts keep drifting back to Vera. I can't shake the feeling that she's going to be important in all of this, that somehow, she'll be the key to finding Derick and getting justice for Misha.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can't help feeling that way. It's like she's a part of me now, even if I don't fully understand why. And as long as she's in my thoughts, I know I'll keep fighting, no matter what.
29
Vera
Being back at campus has felt nothing short of alien since I returned.
It’s been tough to swallow the fact that nobody even noticed that I was gone, not even Eric who supposedly wanted nothing more than to date me for the past year. My roommate never reached out to me either, but she might have been on vacation this whole time judging by the fact that I haven’t seen her.
It’s not like she would give a shit anyway. I could tell from the moment we met that she was going to grieve my presence every night that she didn’t have the apartment to herself. All she ever wants to do is stay in and smoke weed with her creepy, gross boyfriend who leers at me from the couch when I leave my room.
Smelling my own apartment again after two weeks is surreal. I always knew that houses had a smell to them, and I’ve always been curious about what mine smells like. Right now, it’s a combination of dirty dishes, spilled beer, and stale cigarette smoke, none of which are the result of my presence in this apartment.
Whatever. At least I can keep it clean until she comes back.
When I open my student email for the first time in two weeks, I nearly have a panic attack. I knew that missing two weeks of class was going to be detrimental, but this is bad.
I have a lot of catching up to do. I’ll be spending entire days in the study lab just making up all the homework that piled up, not to mention the new stuff that will be coming in once I start attending class again.
And I’m still pregnant!
Being pregnant and alone really is the worst part. I’m still not sure that I made the right choice by lying to Ruslan, but raising the baby on my own feels like the only right answer when its father is a dangerous criminal.
I thought about seeking counseling to help me work through everything that’s happened in such a short time, but then I remembered that the school therapists have been worked to the bone since the shooting. Even though I was there when the state fair shooting happened, I’d feel like I was wasting resources by whining about my entirely preventable pregnancy.
I still haven’t called my mom, and I’m not sure if I’m going to. At least not any time soon.
Even though I made the decision to part ways with Ruslan, I’ve been thinking about him nonstop. He lives on his own little island in my head, always there in my thoughts no matter what it is I’m doing. I think about him so consistently that it feels like he’s watching me live through my eyes.
Sometimes the thoughts are critical, like when I think about the night he stole Eric’s car. Now that I’ve been separated from that situation for a while now, the terror I felt has had a chance to settle in.
At the time, all I was doing was trying to save my own life while helping to talk him down. Now that I’ve had some time to really reflect on it, I can’t believe I’m still alive.
However, the thoughts are overwhelmingly positive, which has been nothing but a torment to me since I left his house.
Despite his circumstances, I feel like I miss him more and more every day. I miss his presence, his warmth, feeling safer with him than any other man. He might have a temper, but he’s the only man who has ever stood up for me. That alone speaks volumes.
I’ve also found myself daydreaming about him throughout my classes, which has been nothing but a detriment to me. I’ve wasted so much study time drifting into my inner thought life, daydreaming about his hands, his lips, his arms…
Feeling alone doesn’t even begin to describe my state of mind lately. Being with the same person for two weeks can make someone feel incredibly comfortable, and the silence in my apartment has been ringing in my ears incessantly.
I’ve been looking up photos of what my baby could look like this early in my pregnancy, but I can’t find anything that helps me connect with them. I never had to make my own doctor’s appointments before, and I’m too embarrassed to ask someone at school for help.
How would I even approach that? Who would I ask?
None of the girls here get pregnant unless they want to. I mean, I’m sure theydo,but they have the means to make the pregnancy disappear if the timing is wrong for them. I don’t have that luxury, and even if I did, I don’t think I could stomach doing something like that.
I’m keeping the baby. That much I’m certain of.
Maybe I should have just never gone to college to begin with. I’ll still be pregnant when I graduate, but I’ll spend the entire summer trying to get jobs with a huge belly and no prior experience. Not to mention, my classmates have been completing internships all over the city.
I don’t stand a chance.
It’s beginning to snow outside, and I sit near the window in the living room as the flakes start to descend from the slate-gray sky. The weather has been cold, flat, and dark, which has mirrored my inner feelings to the letter.
As I watch the snowflakes, I notice a familiar vehicle prowling around the apartment complex near the front walk.
