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Maybe I should go back to the shelter for a meal and a piece of bread…
I dismiss the thought as soon as it comes. I will never return to that place, not even if I have to sleep on the streets. I guess I should search for another shelter where I can spend the rest of the winter or else I’ll really freeze to death outside.
My feet come to a halt in front of a framed poster hanging on the side of a building. I don’t know why I stop.
I shouldn’t.
I don’t—usually.
I don’t stop and stare, because that would draw attention to me and ruin my chances of having invisibility superpowers.
But for reasons unknown, I halt this time. My empty can is nestled between my gloved fingers, suspended in mid-air as I study the ad.
The poster is for the New York City Ballet, advertising one of their performances. The entirety of it is occupied by a woman wearing a wedding dress and standing on pointe. A veil covers her face, but it’s transparent enough to distinguish the sadness, the harshness, the…despair.
‘Giselle’ is written in script over her head. At the bottom are the names of the director and the prima ballerina, Hannah Max, as well as the other ballerinas participating in the show.
I blink once, and for a second, I can see my reflection in the glass. My coat swallows my small frame and my oversized high-top sneakers resemble clown shoes. My faux fur winter hat covers my ears, and my blonde hair is disheveled and greasy, its ends hidden inside my coat. My hat is pushed back a little, revealing my dark roots. Feeling somehow subconscious, I pull the hood of my coat over my head, allowing it to shadow my face.
Now I look like a serial killer.
Ha. I’d laugh if I could. A serial killer is smart enough to not end up on the streets. They’re smart enough to not drown so much in alcohol that sustaining a job becomes impossible.
I blink again and the poster returns to view. Giselle. Ballet. Prima ballerina.
A sudden urge to gouge the woman’s eyes out overwhelms me. I inhale, then exhale. I shouldn’t have such a strong reaction toward a stranger.
I hate her. I hate Hannah Max and Giselle and ballet.
Spinning around, I leave before I’m tempted to smash the poster to the ground.
I crumple the can and toss it in a nearby trash can. This change of mood isn’t good—at all.
It’s because of the lack of alcohol in my system. I haven’t had enough beer today to get drunk in the daylight. The cold becomes more tolerable when my mind is numb. My thoughts aren’t as loud and I don’t get murderous feelings over a harmless ballet poster.
I absentmindedly cross the street like I do every day. It’s become my routine, and I don’t even pay attention to it anymore.
That’s my mistake—taking things for granted.
I don’t hear the blaring horn until I’m standing in the middle of the street.
My feet stop in place as if heavy stones are keeping them glued to the ground. As I stare at the van’s hazard lights and hear its continuous horn, I think my twenty-seven-year-old life from birth until now will pass in front of my eyes. That’s what happens at the time of death, right? I should recall it all.
From the moment Mom relocated us from one city to the other, until life threw me into New York.
From the moment I flourished, until the accident that turned me into an incurable alcoholic.
However, none of those memories come. Not even a fragment of them. The only things that invade my head are little toes and fingers. A tiny face and body that the nurse put in my arms before she was taken away for good.
A lump forms in my throat and I tremble like an insignificant leaf in the cold winter streets of New York.
I promised to live for her. Why the hell am I dying now?
I close my eyes.I’m so sorry, baby girl. So very sorry.
A large hand grips me by the elbow and yanks me back so hard, I trip over my own feet and stumble. The same hand gently holds me by the arm to keep me standing.
I slowly open my eyes, halfway expecting to find my head under the van. But instead, the horn blasts as it passes me by, the driver screaming through the window, “Watch where you’re going, fucking crazy bitch!”
