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He was so blasé about it.
But, I guess, he’d probably had sex with a bunch of women in the clubhouse. It was no big deal to him.
It felt bigger to me.
Though, if I were being honest with myself, it had less to do with being overheard and more to do with crossing a line I wasn’t sure I’d been prepared to cross.
I mean, not that sex had to be a big thing. It didn’t.
The problem was, I was already dealing with conflicted feelings toward Sway. Getting physical was only going to complicate those feelings further.
It had been a long time since I’d even thought about a guy in a more than physical way.
All the way back, I guessed, to that boyfriend who needed to ‘talk’ to me after work, prompting me to pack up whatever things I had at his place, and ghost him.
Objectively, even that relationship hadn’t been similar. I don’t really recall any strong feelings toward the guy. We’d had a good, steady sex life that led to me sleeping over more often than not, until it sort of looked like a relationship, but without the actual talk about where things were going, without opening up about our pasts or futures, God, without any actual warm feelings toward the guy at all.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever spared him a thought after I’d left.
It was different with Sway.
I’d given him so much of myself without ever realizing I was doing it. He’d just made it so easy. And for someone who never found talking about their feelings or their past easy, that was a big deal for me.
The thing was, I was acutely aware of the kind of man Sway was. I’d clocked him from the moment he’d broken into that clearing in the woods.
A playboy.
Someone who was up for a good time… and nothing else.
Normally, that was what I looked for.
But the way things were now, with the strange, complicated thoughts and feelings I’d been having toward him, all I could feel was… fear.
Of getting attached, but having things end.
I’d gone my entire adult life without attachments. The closest relationship I’d ever had was with my dogs, for God’s sake.
But living with Sway had done something, opened my eyes to something I hadn’t been aware of wanting, of denying myself.
We woke up together, ate together, went on walks together, went to bed together.
I was getting used to having him around, to knowing he would be there to crack a joke, to hearing his horrendous, but confident singing, to having him shake me from bad dreams, to knowing he was an added layer of protection, to sharing my inner thoughts and feelings with someone else.
Now, we’d crossed another line. One I knew I was going to want to keep crossing.
Which was fine.
Until, inevitably, he was done.
Because he would be done.
Guys like him, they didn’t settle down.
Or if they did, they settled down with someone easier. With fewer sharp edges, without walls and guards all around them, with less baggage to need to try to carry around.
“Did I lose you?” Sway asked as his hands kept drifting over me, soothing and addictive.
And I knew I had to pull away, to get some space, some perspective, to try to hold onto what little bit of resistance I had left toward this man.
Because if I let myself do what I was afraid I was starting to—fall for him—I knew it was going to fucking crush me when it was over.
“Yeah,” I admitted, climbing carefully off the unsteady chair. “I think I can focus now,” I added, going to snag my tee, yanking it down my body, then doing the same with my panties and pants.
I kept my back to him the whole time as I pulled the desk back into place, as I located a rag and cleaner from a pile in the corner, and set to cleaning off the surface we’d just fucked on.
I was aware of a strange sighing sound that escaped him from behind me, the creak as he stood, the shuffle of his footsteps as he found then shrugged on his shirt.
I pretended to be oblivious to all of this, though, as I got on the ground, and started to gather all the random shit that had been scattered around.
“I guess I’ll leave you to it then,” he said, something off in his voice, but I was actively acting like I hadn’t heard him.
Mature?
Absolutely not.
But it felt necessary.
To keep up that wall, to protect myself.
Because I was all I had in the world. And I needed to stop pretending as if that had changed just because Sway had busted his way into my life.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Sway
She’d been avoiding me.
For two straight days.
She got up before me, grabbing coffee, and making her way upstairs to work. She didn’t come down for lunch or dinner, prompting Detroit to bring her trays up there, leaving it outside of the door with a gentle knock.
