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“But I wasn’t hiding. I was living.” Her nose wrinkled with determination. “You don’t understand, Aslan. When I’m with you, when I hear you groan with lust and feel how desperately you need me, you give me back every scrap of self-worth he took from me. I don’t feel helpless or powerless. I’m not angry or sad or second-guessing every part of that night. I can stop beating myself up for accepting that mug of Coke. I can stop going over and over why—when I’ve prided myself so many times on my instincts—that they failed me so spectacularly that night.” Her voice wobbled a little. “When I’m with you, Aslan, I can just be me again. It goes...quiet inside, and I really need that quiet. I’m sick of my mind racing and—”
“The only way it will stop racing is if you face everything you just admitted. Accept that your instincts failed you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep trusting them. Accept that you let societal niceties coerce you into accepting a drink from a total stranger. Accept that he took more from you than you’re willing to admit and then...when you’ve accepted all of that...get angry, get mad, cry, scream, go butcher a tree, because I swear to you, if you don’t find a way to let it out, you’ll end up like me. Afraid of walking down the street in case I’m caught. Afraid of sleep in case I hear my sister’s screams. Afraid of living or daring to dream and fucking terrified of the future because as much as I want to plan a life with you, Neri, I have no idea where to start. What will it look like, or how is it even possible? I want what everyone else has. I want a home with you, a family with you, a long, safe, incredible romance with you, but right now, I have no idea if that can even happen.”
Tucking her hair behind her ears, I kissed her cute wrinkled nose. “Perhaps we both have to be a little braver.”
She nodded beneath my lips, sucking in a fortifying breath. “Okay. No more hiding.”
“No more hiding.”
“We face the future. Together.”
“Together.”
“We tell my parents in three days.”
“When we hand out the presents on Christmas night, I’m dropping to one knee.”
She shivered. “And we tell the whole world that we belong to one another.”
I kissed her. “Agreed.”
We smiled and opened my door, and went to her parents with our secret buried tight.
We spent a lovely evening with family, eating, drinking, linked by hearts and promises.
And I went to bed that night with hope.
Hope that Neri would be okay.
Hope that Jack would accept me.
Hope that one day...we could be free.
What a shame none of that happened.
What an utter waste the world said...fuck no.
Chapter Fifty-Two
*
Aslan
*
(Moon in Lithuanian: Menulis)
10:00 A.M.
CHRISTMAS.
The day that all carols and department stores tried to convince mankind was the greatest day on earth.
It started off well enough.
I helped Jack prepare the lobster that his friend down the street had caught and given as a Christmas present. Neri helped her mother bake a thousand different desserts and the tree that Anna had put up two weeks ago, glittered with garish rainbow lights and silver tinsel that shed all over the tiles.
A small pile of presents waited underneath on a red velvet cloth.
The ring I planned on giving Neri sat on top of the box of craft beer I’d bought Jack and the latest book on underwater photography for Anna.
The morning we spent outside, eating the prawn cocktail that Anna said was traditional on Christmas morning. Jack cracked open a beer at ten o’clock, and pushed one into my hand, despite me trying to refuse.
The Christmas cheer had well and truly infected both the Taylors, and I grinned into my prawn cocktail as the sun shone and the temperature made all of us sweat in our shorts and tropical-coloured shirts. Jack had bought all four of us the ugliest, brightest shirts from some reject store, claiming this was now our Christmas uniform.
Back home in Turkey, I’d be bundled in jackets and scarfs, gathered around the fire with my family to ward off the chill, waiting for New Years to celebrate with friends. Christmas wasn’t really done back home, and it’d taken time to get used to the huge production it was here.
What would Melike make of it?
Stop. Don’t go there.
Wrenching my thoughts from my constantly haunting ghosts, I returned to hotter climes and forced myself to enjoy the day. I did my best to stay present and not fear what would happen once we all sat down for our big meal and opened our gifts.
The Taylors liked to wait until the evening for present giving.
I had no idea why, and the waiting made me insane.
Seven or so more hours before Jack and Anna found out.
