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I’d slipped and shown my truth.
I’d shown her how desperately I’d fallen.
And it made it so much harder to sell the lie.
But...I’d already told her how far I’d go. How I’d happily take the torture if it meant she remained safe. This was me...putting her first, above my dreams, my hopes, my life.
I swayed as I typed:
Me: This was a mistake. You’re young and fanciful, and...I’m sorry for leading you on. I’m drunk and got carried away, and in doing so, you proved that although I do have feelings for you, they aren’t real. Not in the marrying way. It’s just lust, and time will make those feelings fade.
I couldn’t breathe as I forced myself to send another. To slash at any hope she might hold. I couldn’t leave her with any illusions that I didn’t mean this.
I would never change my mind.
Me: The night on the beach in Daintree, I told you I loved you and explained the reasons we could never be together. Those reasons were lies. I see that now. They gave you false hope that if we could overcome them, we could be together. But...there is no us. I don’t want there to be an us. I want us to stay the way we are. I think the best thing to do is to delete this entire conversation. Let’s delete everything, okay? I only want the best for you, Nerida. I always have. I always will. I love you. I’ll keep saying that because it’s true. But I’m not in love with you. And that’s the part you have to believe.
I bit my tongue to prevent snarling at the sky.
I waited for her reply with agonising breath.
And when it came, my entire soul shattered.
Neri: Tell me...right now...Do. You. Want. Me? A simple question with a simple answer. Do you want me, Aslan? No lies. No spinning truths. This is your final chance. Your final moment to stop me from living a life without you in it.
I read the words and heard what she meant.
She was done playing these games.
All it would take was an admittance that I would suffocate if she so much as looked at another guy, and it took every bit of strength to push her into that faceless bastard’s arms.
I couldn’t catch a proper breath. Tears stung like acid in my eyes. My heart stopped beating as I typed.
Me: No. I don’t want you. Find another.
I tossed my phone away.
The stars continued twinkling.
The sea continued rocking.
And Neri accepted my lies.
I ought to be fucking grateful.
I’d freed her before I could hurt her far, far worse.
Instead, my bones ached as if they’d splinter.
My eyes stung as if they’d bleed.
And in the end, the sickness in my veins, the sickness of what my family had run from, and the sickness of wanting what I couldn’t have all swelled to fever pitch.
I barely made it to the railing before I threw up.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
*
Nerida
*
(Sea in Korean: Bada)
“NEEDLESS TO SAY, I DIDN’T BELIEVE him when he text me that night. I did what he asked and deleted the messages so my parents would never see, but I didn’t delete what I knew was true between us.
“I let him believe I bought his lies. I didn’t text him back. I waited until Aslan and my parents returned home, gave him a friendly smile and awkward hug, and pretended things were exactly like they always were.
“My parents were none the wiser. Aslan was utterly confused. And I hummed inside because, before he’d been an idiot and tried to convince me he wasn’t in love with me, he’d already confessed his true feelings.”
“By saying he ached for you?” Margot murmured.
“Exactly.” I smiled sadly. “He ached for me.” I shivered just as violently as I did the first time I’d read those words. “You can’t say that to someone and hope to take it back. You can’t say you dream of someone, ache for someone, and think you can rewind time and stop a heartsick girl from tripping into those words. It was already far too late.
“I had no idea, back then, of why he tried to push me away. Of course, I do now. I understand his reasonings and even pity him that he wasn’t successful in convincing me that he wasn’t in love with me because if he had, we both might’ve avoided unbearable pain. But back then...I was young, fanciful, and naïvely hopeful. In the short timeframe from telling me he ached for me, to then rushing to say he wasn’t in love with me...well, I’d already planned our wedding and put on my boxing gloves to take on any bureaucrat who dared get in the way of me having the only boy I ever wanted.”
Dylan cleared his throat, wrenching me from the past with a bone-jarring jolt. “You sound as if he eventually convinced you, though. That he made you believe he didn’t want you.”
