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My mouth hovered over hers, so close, so near. Goosebumps scattered down my spine. My cock rippled with need. Restraining myself was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but it was also the most exhilarating.
To hover on that knife’s edge.
To be so close to taking what I’d always wanted, tempting fate, dabbling with destiny. Dragging out the moment until we were both breathless and cross-eyed and seconds away from exploding.
I nudged her nose with mine. “So...be honest.”
She laughed almost coldly, pulling away a little. “And if I am...what will you do? Will you run? Will you lie? Will you try to convince me it means nothing—”
“No.”
“Why should I believe you?”
I caught her stare. I cupped her jaw. “Because I’m done, Neri. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend you’re not it for me. I can’t lie that you aren’t my very fucking air while I’m drowning beneath everything else.”
I couldn’t stop myself, my confession tart and sour. “I’m lost. I only feel alive when I’m with you. I shouldn’t put that shit on you. I know that. I’m not being fair. I should work through my grief and fear without begging for your help. And I definitely shouldn’t make you responsible for my happiness. But...I can’t crawl out of the darkness without you. I feel nothing unless I’m with you. And...well, the honest truth is...I’ve been dying every fucking day seeing you with him.”
She stiffened. “Why didn’t you say anything—”
“This is me. Saying something.”
“Aslan, I—”
“I’m willing to try, Neri. I have no choice. I can’t survive without you. I want to be happy. I want to be free of my grief. I want to be with you without being terrified of losing you.”
A tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m yours, Aslan.” She repeated what I’d said to her in the car. “Here. There. Everywhere.”
My forehead crashed on hers as my knees threatened to give out. “And that’s what petrifies me because if I’m deported. I...I won’t survive, Neri. And you’ll be alone. I’ll take your heart and leave you as broken as I am.”
“If you’re deported, I’ll come with you.”
True panic roared through me, just like on the beach when she was fifteen. “Vow to me that you will never do that. You will never step foot in Turkey or mention my name—”
“Why? What are you hiding?”
“Promise me.”
She scowled. “I can’t promise that. I can’t promise I won’t follow you because I know I always will.”
I exhaled with a snarl. “Then this can’t happen.” It took superhuman strength to release her and step back.
I swayed on the spot.
My cock pounded behind my zipper.
I could barely see straight with how desperate she made me.
“It’s already too late to stop.” Pushing off from the Jeep, she stalked me as I backed deeper into the trees. “It was too late the moment we met.”
“Don’t say that. If I keep my hands to myself, you will find another. You’ll meet another Joel and—”
“Be miserable.”
“Did you fuck him?” The question fell from my tongue before I could bite it back.
She froze.
Fury coated my vision as answers clouded her face. Lies. Truths. Until she finally just gave me a simple. “Yes.”
My eyes snapped shut.
It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did.
I’d guessed. I’d assumed. I’d tortured myself with images of her with him.
Yet having her admit it?
Anger had me striding forward and planting a fist between her breasts. Marching her backward to the Jeep, she gasped as I shoved her against the door. “Aren’t you going to ask me if I fucked anyone?”
She winced; pain coated her voice. “Have you? Did you—?”
“I tried.” My fingers spread over her chest, my thumb on the top of one breast, my pinkie on the top of the other. “I tried multiple times. And you know what happened?”
She sucked in a breath, pushing more of her flesh into my control. “Tell me.”
I’d dreamed of touching her like this.
I’d convinced myself, late at night while I jerked off to fantasies of her, that if I could just steal a single kiss, a passing touch, I would be satisfied.
Lies.
This wasn’t enough.
Nothing would ever be enough when it came to her.
And in that, it seemed I was doomed.
She could find comfort with another, all while I suffered impotence.
If I was a better man, I would find solace in that. I would be relieved that if anything did happen to me, she would eventually move on with another.
But that would mean I’d have to be willing to share her, and I could never do that. I could never be that honourable. That decent. I wanted her to want me as desperately, as manically, as suicidally as I wanted her.
And that showed me how twisted I truly was. How unhealthy my obsession with her had become—
“I slept with him, but I never found pleasure,” Neri breathed, freezing me. “Every time I was with him, it was you I wanted. It’s your name I breathe as I make myself come. It’s you who I dream of. It’s you who has me so wrapped up in need that the mere thought of being with anyone else makes me want to scream and fight and tell the whole world that you are mine. You and only you.”
