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And now knowing was killing her too. I could see it. Because she loved Phil, but she loved me too. Not in the same way, but she did. It was a lot easier to pretend she hadn’t known my heart belonged to her, and now she would feel guilty for hurting me.
“I gotta go.” She turned and walked away, heading toward her car.
“Wait. Can we forget I said it? It don’t need to mean anything changes.” I followed her. She stopped, turned and looked at me, tears racing down her face.
“I need a little space, Brian. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but…I just need to make sense of this.”
I nodded, wishing I had the words to fix this but knowing I didn’t. It was my words that had fucked it up in the first place.
I didn’t look away as she walked to her car, got in, and drove away.
My brain flashed to an accident next, one I hadn’t seen or been involved in. The second the car slammed into the semi, my eyes jerked open.
I clutched my chest, trying to forget the nightmare. My breathing was doing that weird thing where it went too fast for me, made my chest throb and feel like I was going to pass out.
That had been my last conversation with Nadine. I’d tried to call her more than once, but she hadn’t answered.
Three days later, Nadine, Phil, and Libby were dead.
CHAPTER ONE
Brian
The next summer
I’d always been a quiet guy, but the older I got, the worse it became. Maybe because I didn’t think I had much to say. Maybe because I hadn’t figured out how not to be sad all the time, and speaking up had hurt Nadine.
I just quietly lived my life, focusing on Sutton when I was raising him, trying to be the uncle he deserved. I hadn’t wanted to let Phil and Nadine down when it came to Sutt, and as I stood beneath a tree on the property of a house he’d recently bought, watching him laugh and hug Jasper, I felt peace settle in my bones.
They had friends here with them, Jasper’s mama and his aunt and his cousin who had a boyfriend too. I’d never known two men in a relationship before Sutton and Jasper and Sam and Emerson. I didn’t really get how anyone could look at them and see anything other than people in love.
“I didn’t know people still did that,” a deep, smooth voice said from beside me.
I looked over to see a guy who wasn’t from Ryland. I’d heard people gossiping about him around town, but rumors were the extent of what I knew about him—that he was Emerson’s friend from New York City, here for the summer.
His eyes and hair were a similar color, only his eyes were a bit lighter, more of a milk chocolate than his darker hair. He had short, scruffy facial hair, angular features, and a perfectly chiseled jaw. And he screamed money, if that made sense.
“Do what?” I asked, raising the cigarette to my lips. I’d been smoking on and off since I was eighteen, mostly when I was around other people. Otherwise, I could go days without one. Honestly, I didn’t even like it that much, but it was something to do, distracting me when I was feeling out of my element.
He pointed to my hand. “I see people vape, but I rarely notice cigarettes. Those are bad for you—not that vaping is much better.”
“So’s a lotta stuff,” I replied. He was being a little rude, but I didn’t care.
He chuckled. “Good point. Still, you’re too sexy for those.” My stomach tumbled at his comment. Sexy wasn’t something people called me often—or really ever—and a man sure as shit never had. He held up his hands. “They said you’re straight, so I’m not hitting on you. Just stating a fact while trying to save your life. You’re welcome.”
I choked on the smoke I’d just inhaled, which sent me into a loud, throaty coughing fit. Was he saying he’d asked Sutton and Jasper? Why the fuck would he do that? “I don’t know how to take you,” I answered honestly, which earned me a laugh from him. I couldn’t say if he thought I was trying to be funny or what, but I wasn’t.
“Don’t worry. I get that all the time. Makes life more interesting. I’m Charles.” He held out his hand. I stared at it for a moment, strangely frozen. There weren’t any men like Charles in Ryland. It was throwing me for a loop. “I don’t bite…unless you’re queer and you like it. Shit. Bad me. I swear I’m not flirting. I respect your sexuality, so if you say you’re straight, I believe you. Are you?”
Words wouldn’t come out at first. I felt dumbstruck. I’d never encountered someone like him, and it made me feel a little drunk. Maybe that’s why I almost opened my mouth and said I wasn’t anything, because most of the time, I didn’t feel like I was anything. I wasn’t like most folks. I’d been in love with one woman my whole life, and she happened to be married to my brother. I’d had sex, of course. I had a few girlfriends when I was young, mostly to try to get over Nadine. When I realized it wasn’t going to work, I stopped dating. Once in a while, I’d meet up with a woman in a neighboring town just to…to feel something or someone, but when I was there, I usually wished I wasn’t. Sex didn’t do it for me like it did other people. I’d come to terms with that a long time ago. Women were beautiful. I could see that, but intimacy was something I could live without.
