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Mom: I’m sorry. I feel so bad. I shouldn’t have pushed to do so much yesterday.
I sighed, slipping onto the balcony and taking one of the chairs there. It was warm and muggy despite the hour, the familiar sounds of the city like a lullaby.
Me: It’s not your fault. He’s sleeping. I think he’ll be out for a while.
Less than thirty minutes later, there was another text.
Mom: I’m here. I have coffee.
Maybe I was too old to need my mom, to want to talk to her, but that didn’t matter to me. Maybe if Paul had allowed himself to lean on us, we wouldn’t have lost him, so it was something I always tried to allow myself to do.
Me: On the balcony.
Mom used her key to let herself in, and a moment later was sitting outside beside me. I took a sip of the coffee she’d handed me. “I needed that. Thank you.”
“I wish you’d told me about his anxiety.”
I groaned. “Cutting right to the chase, are we? It’s not my place to share his business with you. I know Brian well enough to know he wouldn’t want that.”
“I understand, but I worry about him because I worry about you, and you love him. He’s not what I expected for you.”
Which I knew, but still the words hit like a lash against my skin. “Sorry to disappoint you,” I snapped.
“That’s not fair, Charles. You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Shit.” I reached over and squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry. I know. There’s a lot on my mind.”
“I imagine there is. I know you’re moving, but what about your apartment? You love it. And is he going to come back here with you? Will the two of you never be able to spend time in the city together? What if you like Ryland, but not enough to want to live there full-time? Will the two of you do long distance part of the year? Or are you just going to stay there because you love him?”
Each question cut me deeper and deeper until I spit out, “I don’t know! You don’t think I’ve been obsessing over every single one of those thoughts? Jesus, Mom. I don’t have all the answers. I just know…I know I love him. And it might not make sense to you. Hell, sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me either, but I feel it—feel him, right here.” I placed a hand over my heart. “Hell, I feel him everywhere inside me. I know it’s not perfect, but in other ways, everything about him is perfect to me. He’s right for me. I’m right for him, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him down because of panic attacks, him being quiet, or not liking the city.”
She put her hand on my back, rubbing it. “First, you’re not letting him down. Even if you decide you don’t want to move or that it’s not going to work out, you’re not letting him down. You’re important too. Second, I’m not asking you to walk away from him. I’m your mom. No one knows you like I do. Do you think I don’t see how much that man means to you? All I ever wanted was for both of my boys to be happy and healthy, and somehow I messed that up with Paul.” Tears filled her eyes, chasing one another down her face.
“Hey, no. Paul wasn’t your fault. None of us saw the signs.” But I had seen him the day before and hadn’t known he was in trouble. I’d recognized he was off but didn’t push to find out why.
Maybe similar to how I hadn’t realized Brian was struggling as much as he was…
“I’m his mom. I should have known. But that’s not why I mentioned him. My point is, I’m not going to let myself miss something with you. I’m not going to sit by so I don’t rock the boat. You love Brian. Anyone can see that, which means I want this to work out. He seems like a lovely man, but I’m concerned about you too. Everything can’t be about him, Charles. You’re moving, and that’s fine, and of course part of loving someone is thinking about their wants and needs, but don’t forget your own. Think about yourself too when you consider where you live or how often you’ll come back here. When you consider what to do with your apartment because are you going to want to keep it if you’re not staying here often? Will you come here if he doesn’t come with you? Not only that, but what do you have in Ryland—”
“Him,” I answered. That was the one thing I was sure of.
“Yes, you have him, and you have Emerson, but is that enough?”
“Wouldn’t Dad be enough for you?”
