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She leaned against the railing with a long sigh. It was time to admit that her feelings went deeper than the sexual desires he’d ignited that night in the apartment.
The balance she sought between naked vulnerability with a man and self-preservation was seriously tipping to the former. The question was, could she survive it?
As the engagement continued to unfold behind her, her emotions danced between fear of everything and fear of nothing.
How strange to think that, by believing she didn’t need someone in her life, she thought she had everything. But now, thinking of a future without Ryder, she saw that she actually had nothing.
That was the legacy her father and Luke had left her with. Not that loving the wrong person was bad, but that lovinganybodywas bad.
Even myself?she wondered, wrapping her arms around her waist.
“That shit needs to stop,” she said out loud, surprising herself at the strength in the words.
She needed to talk to Ryder. Whatever the outcome would be, he deserved to hear an apology face to face. It scared the shit out of her to think that she might also, maybe, possibly… tell him the whole truth.
That she might want more. With him.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” she muttered, completely terrified. But then she remembered what she always told Casey. If you wanted something good, you had to get through the scary.
“You can do this,” she muttered to herself, straightening her shoulders. As she walked to the elevator and wondered which room he was most likely set up in, she heard a buzzing sound.
Shit! She’d forgotten about her phone. Then she had an exciting thought. That it was Ryder, and he was as turned on by the events below as she was.
She was disappointed, though.
I’ve got a situation,read Jackal’s text.
31
Ryder laughed when he heard his team member, Gunner, mutter, “Christ!”
He assigned Gunner to the ballroom monitors that tracked the orgy unfolding on the screens in front of them. He chuckled again when Gunner shifted in his chair, probably to accommodate the massive boner the job was giving him.
“Hey, what’s up with the little hottie?” Gunner asked him.
“Hm?” Ryder asked. He’d let Gunner monitor the inside while he watched the exterior cameras. Then it occurred to him which hottie he was referring to.
He clicked on the camera he’d minimized and saw Nita. Instead of watching the activities below, she faced away from the camera, her shoulders hunched and her head down.
“She looks upset about something,” Gunner mused. “Maybe that she’s missing out on the fun downstairs, and I couldn’t say I blame her.”
“Shut up,” Ryder muttered, his gaze intent on Nita. He didn’t know how to describe how she looked, but the word “anguished” floated into his mind.
He watched her step forward, then pause, turn, and grab her phone. A flash of frustration and longing coursed through him. Every time he glimpsed her, his body responded with a primal urge. He had boasted to her about edging, about his control, but now it seemed like she had bewitched him into not caring about that anymore.
Gunner leaned over and nudged him with his elbow. “Check out the action at the fountain. I’ve never had a girlfriend who was that flexible.”
Ryder grunted, his eyes still on Nita. She was staring at her phone now, looking more surprised than whatever emotion had gripped her before.
“Jesus, how can someone bend their leg like that?” Gunner exclaimed.
“Quit watching and get back to monitoring, asshole,” he told Gunner, forcing a joking tone. “We’re not here to share regrets about not dating a gymnast.”
Gunner chuckled, his eyes scanning the scenes of writhing bodies on his monitor. “I know, man. Just trying to lighten the mood.”
Ryder kept his eyes on Nita. She looked up, then back down at her phone, as if she was trying to decide something.
He felt Gunner’s eyes on him and glanced over.
