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“I haven’t tried having sex with you because you aren’t ready,” he claims. “I wake up every goddamn morning with a raging hard on for you, Heather. I have to take three cold showers a day because I want you so bad. Don’t ever fucking think that I don’t want you.”
“How can you say I’m not ready?”
He sighs loudly. “The other day when you were crying, was it because you thought I didn’t find you attractive? Was it because you think you’re too big? Or was it actually because you’re afraid I’m not attracted to you because you were raped?”
I stay silent. The truth is, it’s a little bit of everything. I’m afraid that, deep down, he’ll always think about the fact that that disgusting monster was inside of me. But I also look in the mirror and am painfully aware of all of the stretch marks, cellulite, and the colossal size of my thighs. I know I’m pregnant, and it’s truly a wonderful and beautiful thing that women’s bodies go through, but I can’t help but think about how different I look now from the woman that captured his attention eight months ago.
“Well?” he presses.
“I guess a little of both?”
He sighs again as he pulls into the driveway. Shutting the engine off, he first lets Henry out of the back, who takes off to relieve himself in the front yard. He then comes to help me down, pinning me against the side of the SUV.
“You are the most beautiful fucking person I’ve ever met, Heather. A hundred and twenty pounds or three hundred pounds,” he insists, looking deep into my eyes. “Do you hear me?”
I nod my head. He brings his hand up and engulfs my cheek. “Do you truly hear me?”
Looking into his eyes, I see the truth there. Trigger’s never lied to me before, so I don’t know where all of my insecurities came from. I take a deep breath and nod again.
“I love you, Red.” Leaning down, he kisses me softly. “I fucking loveyou.”
“I love you, too,” I murmur.
“Nothing that happened to you will ever change that, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Let’s go inside and set Henry up with his new bed.”
Trigger grabs all of the bags from the pet store, throwing the large bag of dog food up on one shoulder. He doesn’t let me carry anything, so I make myself useful by unlocking the door.
After setting Henry up in his new bed with all of his toys, he settles down with his toy racoon cuddled by his head. Trigger locks up and we head upstairs.
I’m in the bathroom rubbing cocoa butter across my stomach. It’s a bunch of bullshit that it prevents stretch marks, but I’ve found that it helps with the itching.
The bathroom door creaks open behind me and Trigger steps in. Our eyes meet in the mirror and I’m painfully aware of his state of undress as he steps up behind me.
I’m naked, save for the paper thin no-show thong resting on my hips. Trigger’s soft sweatpants brush against my asscheeks, causing a full body shiver to rack through me. His bare chest presses against my back as he leans down to place a kiss to my shoulder.
His large hands come around my front and surround my belly. Running his hands all over the surface, he presses kisses all along my exposed shoulder and up to my neck. He stops at my ear, nipping the skin. “I’m sorry I made you feel like I wasn’t attracted to you.”
I break eye contact, instead watching his hands roam across my stretched skin. “It’s okay.”
“No it’s not,” he insists. “It’s my job to make you feel beautiful. I should be reminding you every fucking day. And I’m sorry I haven’t.” Shaking his head, he continues. “You’re growing my boys. Your body is changing for them. I’m ashamed of myself that you even had the smallest thought that I didn’t loveallof this.”
His hands roam all over my bare body, and if he doesn’t stop, we’re going to have another problem.
“Jamie?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“If you don’t plan on doing anything about it, you have to stop touching me like that.” His eyes meet mine in the mirror again and he must recognize the need in mine. “Before you tell me I’m not ready again, have you ever thought that maybe you should ask me if I think I’m ready?”
His brow furrows as he studies my expression in the mirror.
“Exactly.”
“Are you?” he mutters.
