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Another thing I’ve had on my mind all day is Sarah. Specifically, in relation to Ethan. I know I need to talk to Olivia about it before Blake gets home. I’ve always been able to turn to her for advice on matters that weigh on my mind, and I know this is no different. Stepping into the role of a mother in Ethan’s life is a daunting prospect, one that fills me with both excitement and trepidation. I’m nervous, but resolute in my determination to create a unique bond with the child while honoring the memory of Sarah. I need to ensure that I never make Blake or Ethan feel like I’m trying to be a replacement. I’m just not sure how to go about it.
“Hello?!” I call out.
“Out here!” I hear Olivia respond.
I head down the hallway and I see she’s sitting outside, enjoying the sun. I open the French doors and step into the garden. Today’s been the first time in ages that she’s not had both the kids and it seems she’s been lounging by the pool all day. I’m greeted with a warm smile.
“You okay?” she asks, sensing the weight of my thoughts without me uttering a single word. “What’s on your mind?” Her eyes are filled with genuine concern.
Thankfully, Emma is already running off, opening the giant chest of toys in the grassy area of the garden.
I take a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. It’s not an easy topic to discuss, but I know Olivia’s insight and understanding will be invaluable. I meet her gaze, hoping to convey the depth of my emotions.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about the baby,” I admit, my voice wavering slightly. “About family. About me and Blake and how we are doing this. I’m eventually going to be stepping into the role of a mother for Blake’s child.”
Olivia nods, her expression sympathetic. “Yeah, it’s kind of unavoidable at this point. Having cold feet?” Despite her question, she asks me softly. There is no sound of judgment in her tone, only support.
“No. I’m happy but I’m nervous,” I try to explain. “I love Blake and I just…I adore Ethan. Which is probably why I’m so worried. I don’t want to mess things up for them. I know they’ve been through a lot.”
Olivia nods. “They have, but so have you,” she replies.
“I know,” I tell her, feeling a little glum about how my mind is all over the place. “I know I deserve the happiness I’ve found, but at the same time, I’m just waiting for something to go wrong.”
“Not everything goes wrong,” she replies, giving me a gentle look.
I sigh. “I know. But haven’t you ever been so happy that you think that there must be some kind of catch?”
Olivia raises an eyebrow at me. I know I’m being dramatic. Maybe it’s just the hormones. I’m officially midway through my second trimester. I was the same when I was pregnant with Emma.
“Well, how about we think about it this way: if it’s something we can fix, let’s talk about how to fix it, but if it isn’t, then we can put a pin in it and deal with it when it comes.”
As usual, Olivia is talking sense. This is entirely why I talk to her about these things.
“Okay,” I agree.
“So, what’s worrying you the most?” she asks.
“Sarah,” I admit. “I’m so worried that Ethan is going to think that I’m trying to replace her. He’s still so traumatized by what happened. Now I’ve dropped into his life and I’m going to be his stepmother,” I sigh.
“Lily,” Olivia says, reaching for my hand. “Ethan loves you. I know he can’t say it, but he shows it every day. He loves Emma to pieces and he’s so excited when he knows you are visiting. The fact he holds your hand and lets you pick him up is an enormous deal.”
I know that Olivia is right.
“But what if Blake decides that this is all too much?” I ask, feeling insecure.
Olivia sighs and turns to face me properly. “I know my brother. That’s not going to happen. And even if it does, I promise everything will be the same. He will be a father to that baby and a best friend to you. You won’t lose us.”
I nod, feeling a little emotional. “I just feel all over the place. I’ve gone from being a single mom to having a new relationship and now I’m pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I want this, but it’s just a lot all at once.”
“I can imagine that’s a lot to process,” Olivia replies. “It’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions, Lily. You’re not alone in this.”
I take comfort in her words, knowing that she understands the complexities of the situation. Olivia has always been a pillar of support, a constant in our lives. I don’t know what I would do without her.
“I want to be a good mother to his child, to our child,” I continue, my voice filled with determination. “But I don’t want Sarah to be forgotten or overshadowed. I don’t want Ethan or Blake to feel like I’m trying to replace her. How do I even begin to navigate this, Liv? I feel so out of my depth.”
“Well, it’s like you said,” Olivia continues calmly. “If you keep talking about Sarah and honoring her memory, then you will do fine. You’re such a sensitive person, you’re not about to trample on her memory.”
Her words resonate deep within me, providing a glimmer of clarity amidst my swirling doubts. I let out a shaky breath, I need to be more confident in myself. She’s right. Maybe I’m thinking too much about it.
