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“You have so many people who love you. Bridget, Connor, other members of Eden. None of them know about your addiction.”
“No,” I stopped her sharply. “I don’t want them to know.”
“Gina—”
“I said no.”
She sighed in obvious frustration.
“I had a dream the other night, you know?” I said, changing the topic. “It was so vivid. I was walking through a field of wildflowers out in the middle of nowhere. Nothing but red, yellow, white, and green as far as the eye could see. I was surrounded my beauty. The sun was so bright and the sky so blue it almost hurt my eyes. I walked for what seemed like hours without a care in the world. It was such a joyful experience. Soon, the field opened up and there, in front of me, was a crystal-clear lake. Sitting there, humming a song, was a little girl.”
My breath hitched, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat. I couldn’t look at Madeline. I didn’t want to see the expression on her face. It was always like this when I talked about my dreams. My smile was sad when I recalled the rest of it.
“She was five, maybe six, with black, tight spiral curls like Shirley Temple. She sat on the shore, cross-legged, braiding the stems of wildflowers together. When her head came up and her eyes met mine, she smiled, showing a giant gap where her two front teeth should have been. I could almost swear she glowed like an angel. In that moment, I knew who it was.”
I curled up in the chair and hugged my knees to my chest trying to comfort myself. “She didn’t speak, but she patted the ground next to her, so I sat. I watched her finish what she was doing. When she was done, she sat up on her knees and placed the crown on my head. My eyes closed when she leaned down and kissed my cheek. Her sweet smell filled my soul. A cool breeze fluttered my hair around my face, and when I opened my eyes, the little girl was gone.”
Madeline slid the box of tissues on her desk in my direction, and I reached out to grab a few.
“You have to let go of that guilt hanging over your head, Gina. It’s only poisoning you.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I snapped. “I’ve tried, and just when I think I’ve pushed it aside, something happens to remind me what I did all over again.”
“Well, let me give you this reminder. You were a sixteen-year-old girl in a completely hopeless situation. You had no parental, social, or financial support. Completely aside from all that, you were being sexually and emotionally abused. Your choices were limited, and you made the best one you could. Gina, you have to forgive yourself. You’re not the one to blame. Put aside your guilt and lay the blame entirely at the person’s feet to whom it belongs. And I’m not talking about Leo.”
Rationally, I knew the fault lay with Gideon, but it didn’t change the fact that I was the one who’d walked into that clinic. If only I’d asked for help. Gone to a teacher, the school counselor, somebody. If only I’d been stronger.
I finished wiping away my tears. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”
Madeline sighed in disappointment. “Okay, but you know my door is always open when you need to talk. I want you start journaling again.”
I rolled my eyes at the stupid assignment.
“It’s important, or I wouldn’t ask you to do it.”
“Fine,” I replied, mulishly, as I rose from my chair.
“I also think you need to call Sonia and go to a few extra meetings. Especially since you won’t use the support system you clearly have on your side.”
I ignored her dig. I didn’t want anyone to know how far I’d fallen. Right now, all I wanted to do was go home, take a shower, and fall into bed. I pushed aside the nagging little voice that told me all I needed to do to make everything go away was make a single phone call.
Chapter 12
Leo
Pissedthat I hadn’t got any answers from Ricci, I went to Franklin’s to take my anger out on the punching bag. One of the guys asked me to spar, but with this much rage inside me, I didn’t think it was good idea. Sweat dripped into my eyes, burning them with the saltiness, but I continued pounding away at the sand-filled bag.
“I think he’s dead.”
I ignored the sarcastic comment and kept throwing punches. With the next one, Paddy stepped into my field of vision. Damn it, I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to keep hitting something. With a disgusted sigh, my arms fell to my sides, and I pulled in lungfuls of air.
“You haven’t had this much anger in you since that failed mission in Kandahar. Wanna talk about it?”
I ripped all the tape off my hands and knuckles and threw back some water trying to put off the conversation. Paddy only stood there, patiently waiting for me to decide.
“Remember that girl I used to talk about?”
“The one you left behind when you enlisted?”
