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I look up, where I see a woman who looks like a porn star turned news anchor. Her platinum blonde hair is voluminous, extension-long, and perfectly curled, her makeup is dramatic, with several shades of glittery eyeshadow and fake lashes, and her professional dress is virtually painted over clearly enhanced breasts and a round peach of an ass that makes me want to hit the gym for some weighted squats. She’s beaming, which should seem friendly and welcoming but rather seems like she’s barely biting back her desire to tell us all to ‘shut the hell up and listen’ to her.
“Who’s that?” I ask Jaxx.
“Shh, that’s April. She’s the regional representative,” she whispers. “Basically, our big boss.”
“Welcome to yet another successful quarterly Bedroom Heaven regional conference!” April squeals, hyping the crowd up.
Cheers fill the room, and I clap along politely with everyone. As it fades, April continues.
“This quarter was yet another record-breaking one for us, with sales growing exponentially, and more and more joining the Bedroom Heaven family.”
She keeps going, giving some hype numbers that make Bedroom Heaven seem like the Amazon of sex toys, mixed in with a little rah-rah stuff to keep everyone dreaming big. She’s good at it, and I wonder if she was a pageant girl, a cheerleader, or both in her younger days. But though my initial impression was that April is a bit ‘look at me’, the more she talks, the more genuine she seems. She’s hyped because she actually wants BH to do well and wants to share everyone’s successes, so they get praise too.
“I don’t want to be up here all night when we all know what goodies will actually keep you up all night,” April teases saucily, getting laughs, “but I can’t leave without giving some well-deserved recognition to our top producers this quarter. So, let’s give a round of applause to Gennifer Dennis, Layla Johnson, and Mimi Chen! Way to go, ladies!”
There’s applause again, and I join in. I haven’t met these women, but apparently, they’re moving some dicks.
“Most of all, I’d like to give a big shout out to our top regional producer, and one of the top ten reps in the country... Kara Jones! Give it up for Kara, yeah, babe! Whoooooo!”
Everyone cheers as April waves for Kara to come on stage. Kara strides across the room confidently, smiling at everyone as she makes her way to April’s side. Next to me, Jaxx almost swoons as she sputters, “Holy shit.”
“What is that?” I ask, not sure what I’m looking at. A trophy, maybe? Or a penis-shaped side table?
“The Diamond Dick,” Jaxx whispers. “Obviously not a real diamond, it’s crystal glass or quartz or something, but it’s a huge award. In more ways than one.” Her typically deadpan expression is lit up like a Christmas tree, her eyes sparkling and teeth flashing as she claps excitedly for her aunt.
I get it. Kinda. I mean, Kara’s running a successful boss babe business, but she’s also getting congratulated for... selling dick. Fake dick, but still. I guess I just never thought my career path would have a Diamond Dick on it.
As Kara accepts the large ‘trophy’, Jaxx leans over. “Have you been keeping track of your sales?”
I glance at the table, which is still full of display products. “I was, but we got so busy that I kinda lost count.”
Jaxx arches a thin brow and purses her lips. “I think you’re gonna be more than satisfied,” she taunts, “because that last sale you made?” I nod, remembering the woman who bought a gift box, lube, and a cock ring. “That was your twelfth one. You earned the bonus.”
“What?” I gasp, looking under the table for the stack of boxes but finding none. “Are you serious?”
“We both did. Dolla, dolla bills, bitch.” She feigns making it rain money while spinning in a circle.
Okay, maybe a Diamond Dick wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, I wouldn’t have to display it on the shelf in my therapy office, but I’d be quite happy to earn that baby. Especially given the fact that if I just earned two thousand dollars in two weeks, how much did Kara make?
“Dayum!” I grin as excitement and relief wash through me. So much so that I’ve almost forgotten falling on my face and spilling a bag of dicks in front of a room full of guys. But definitely not forgetting the blond sex god’s glare or the gentle but firm way he helped me up. I’ve got some fantasy plans for that and the Velvetream Rabbit I decided to treat myself with. I can’t sell it without trying it, after all.
* * *
We don’t make it far after the quarterly party wraps up. Jaxx informs me that we’re celebrating our success with drinks and steers me toward the bar in the hotel’s basement. I definitely don’t argue with that plan, but when she pushes the ‘B’ on the elevator, I worry the bar will be a smoky cigar lounge or something.
Thankfully, it’s nothing like that. It’s classy and upscale, just like the hotel, with a long, gleaming wooden bar along one wall, booths with tall dividers that lend privacy, and a piano player subtly tickling the ivories in the corner.
“That was amazing,” Jaxx sighs as she falls into a booth. “So manysatisfiedcustomers.”
I laugh at her obvious double meaning. “It does make me a little sad for them, though. I mean, yeah, a toy can be fun, something to spice up the humdrum maybe, but there’s something to be said for communicating your needs with your partner too. If he doesn’t know where a clit is, show him. Let him watch you and learn how you want to be touched. Don’t just say ‘oh, well’ and handle things yourself after he’s rolled over.”
Jaxx rolls her eyes. “You’re going therapist on me. We’re celebrating toy triumphs tonight, not solving the flaws in the sexual patriarchy.”
Before I can argue, a waitress stops by. I order a frozen margarita, and Jaxx asks for a whiskey with an orange garnish. “Don’t start without me, but I’ve got to piss. Be right back.”
I giggle a little as she slips back out of the booth. Her crude language and zero fucks given attitude are somehow charming coming from her.
A moment later, the waitress returns with our drinks plus a plate of tiny sourdough bread toasts, hummus, and olives. “Oh, we didn’t—" I start to tell the waitress, but she cuts me off.
