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“I’m doing this to get Dade back,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Who givesa fuckabout Dade?” Kazu bit back.
I flinched, jerking my head back. Who…what did that even mean?Everyonegave a fuck about Dade. If we didn’t, what were we doing the last three years of our lives? What were we training for? And Kazu…Dade always seemed to be Kazu’s brooding shadow. Like Kazu recognized himself in Dade and took him under his wing. At least, that was what I assumed. Because why else would Kazu pick training Dade over Felix? Maybe I was weak, maybe it was the fact that I was a girl, but Felix was powerful in his own right, and it never made sense why Kazu picked Dade.
“And you shouldn’t either,” he continued. He took a step forward. “I wasn’t lying when I told you about what this mission requires from you, Embyrlyn. Are you ready to give that up?”
“I…” I flushed, probably the same color as my hair as I tucked loose strands behind my ear.
“It might be better if you find someone to give it to,” he continued. As if we were talking about someone babysitting a dog while I traveled. “At least then, you’ll have a choice in the matter. And, if it’s a good guy, he’ll be…considerate.”
At this point, my face wasn’t just a flush, it was on fire.
“I don’t think we should be discussing —“
“Unfortunately, it’s exactly what we must discuss,” Kazu said. “As your handler, I’m responsible for you. I need to know if you can handle this mission you’ve agreed to. And, until you get rid of your virginity, if you have the necessary experience that will get you into a nest, you won't be ready.”
“And you think…you think sex is going to fix that?” I asked doubtfully.
Kazu shifted. It was the first time I had seen him slightly uncomfortable with a topic of discussion. If it had been anything but sex, I might have found this terribly amusing. I might have pushed and prodded and tried to make those sharp cheekbones of his blush. But I was the one blushing because we were discussing my sex life – or lack thereof, not his.
“If you do it before the mission, it’s still something you can choose to do,” he said after a brief moment. “The choice is still yours, and with choice comes power. You get to make the decision who you do the act with. It won’t be taken from you or made for you. If you choose the right person, it won’t be rough or violent. It’ll be…slow. It’ll be what you deserve to have.”
I scoffed. Deserve? What could anyone deserve with sex? Ideservedan instructor who cared about me, who wanted me to do my best, who was willing to take the time to teach me. But I didn’t have that. Did I deserve Kazu’s anger and resentment? Did I deserve it when he ignored me and didn’t take me seriously?
As much as I wanted to pick a fight, as much as I wanted to deflect, I knew I couldn’t. I had to give what he said some consideration. Part of me still believed he was only saying these things to scare me off the mission because he didn’t think I could handle it. And I still believed that. However, I also believed that there was some truth to his concern. Not because he considered me a worthy agent he wanted on his team, but because, as the female, I was weak and needed protecting. He was just doing that, not because he cared but because he was obligated to.
I ignored the clench in my chest.
“I don’t even know who the right person could be,” I muttered, crossing one arm protectively over my chest.
There was a stone bench just off to the side and I walked over to sit on it. I stretched my legs out before me. Now that the adrenaline of the fight was gone, my muscles tensed, telling me just how sore I was. I needed a bath. I probably didn’t smell great too.
Kazu cleared his throat. “I know how close you and Felix are –”
“Please don’t,” I said, snapping my eyes shut and holding up a hand. “I’m not…I can’t…”
“Well, you’re going to have to figure out a solution now, Embyrlyn,” Kazu said. “You can’t hide from it just because it doesn’t appeal to you.”
“That doesn’t mean I have to lose my virginity toFelix, of all people,” I said with a sneer.
Fuck. How could I have let this happen? I was nineteen. I had been in positions where I could have given up my virginity before now, but no. My bleeding heart wanted to wait for the right person, and now, I was being punished for it. Because it wouldn’t be Dade, the way I thought it would have been. It wouldn’t be the person I wanted. I might be picking it, but it still wouldn’t be what I wanted.
“What’s wrong with Felix?” Kazu asked.
I looked up at him when I realized how serious he was.
“He’s like…” How did I explain Felix to Kazu. “He’s like an annoying little brother who eats and farts all the time. I’ve seen him at his worst plenty of times to know that I’m not entrusting my virginity to him. He might be a virgin too. He might not even know what to do with me! And if I don’t know what to do to, then he isn’t, and I think I heard some rumors he and Mitsy were a thing, or might be one? Or, at the very least, she has some random crush on him? I don’t know. I just know it’s not going to happen with Felix.”
Kazu gave me a long look. “This doesn’t have to do with Dade, does it?” he asked suspiciously.
“Why do you assume every decision I make has to do with Dade in some way?” I demanded, but my voice came out too harshly, and I realized I was too defensive for him to believe it.
His eyes narrowed. “You’re not waiting around for him, are you, Embyrlyn?” he asked.
“Quite frankly, it’s none of your business,” I spat back, standing up. My muscles screamed, but I didn’t care.
“Quite frankly, it is, as your handler,” Kazu said. “This job needs to go right, and one box to tick is knowing you’re adequately prepared for what’s expected of you.”
