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“I didn’t mean –“
“It’s okay,” she said quickly. “You don’t owe me an explanation. You walked in on something no one should have to see. I get why you might want to be alone. Once I help you settle in, I’ll be helping the captain with cleanup so you’ll get the room to yourself for most of the night. I hope that helps.”
I nodded once. I took the box back and began to follow her down the stairs.
The truth was, I wasn’t concerned with being alone.
Not really.
But this was the second body in as many days somehow related to me in some way, desecrated in the same manner.
I didn’t want to be alone to process everything.
I wanted to be alone because I worried this might happen again, to anyone who had the audacity to get close to me.
Embyrlyn
This seemed to be Kazu-sensei’s room. Unlike the majority of the instructors at the academy, his rooms were simple and minimal. It was more of an apartment than a suite, and besides a small kitchen and bathroom, there were no other rooms that made up his living quarters. His bed was in the living room tucked in the corner, neatly made. Shadows touched the sparse furniture, but I noticed a glass and a bowl in the sink. There was nothing on the walls, nothing on the table. Even the bed was relatively small — sure, two people could fit on it, but they would be extremely close, and Kazu-sensei didn’t seem like the sort of guy who liked to cuddle.
“Why are we here?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest now that he had finally given me my hand back. The bubbles that had once filled my head began to disappear, and my sobriety was coming back in full force. With it, my agitation at everyone and everything came back to.
“For one thing, I want to stop you from making a fool of yourself,” he said, going over to his sink. He picked up the glass and turned on the hot water.
“I don’t get you,” I said. “You tell me to go and lose my virginity, and I actually listen, and that’s still not good enough for you. Why do you hate me so much?”
Maybe I was still slightly tipsy because there was no way I would ever ask a question like that to him if I was in my right headspace. At the end of the day, I shouldn’t care what Kazu-sensei thought of me as a person. The only thing that mattered was whether or not I was able to meet his standards, to learn everything he was willing to teach. But since he constantly ignored me, I assumed no, he didn’t like me, didn’t think I was capable, even if I followed his instructions exactly.
“Hate you?” He bought himself some time by downing the glass of water before setting it back down in the sink. “Why would you think I hate you?”
“You don’t think I can do anything,” I pointed out, “even when I follow your instructions. Like tonight. I was going to choose to lose my virginity, and youruinedit.”
“Ruined it?” Kazu’s voice was flat, and he shifted his gaze over to me in the darkness. “Ruined it? You were ruining it yourself. Offering yourself to a stranger is not the same as selecting someone yourself. There’s no power there. At least do what you can to retain your power because I can guarantee you, the second you set off for the Light Bringers, you’ll have none.”
“How am I supposed to choose the person I intend to have…” I cleared my throat, ignoring the way my face pinched. “The person I intend to follow through with.”
“Gods above, you can’t even say the word sex, can you?” Kazu asked, eyes widening slightly. “And yet, you’ve agreed to a mission that’s going to require you to give up your body in the most brutal of ways.” He took a step towards me, then another. “Why, Embyrlyn? Why would you do that to yourself?”
I looked away. I didn’t like the feeling of his eyes on me, looking at me, studying me. It was like a spider crawled all over my face, and I had to physically restrain myself from clawing at my skin in order to get that feeling off of my body.
“If it gets Dade back —“
Kazu scoffed. “Right,” he said. “I forget you’re in love with him.”
My eyes widened. Kazu-sensei never particularly cared one way or the other about the private lives of his students. He never asked any of us about it and we never divulged. In fact, besides Felix, we didn’t ask Kazu-sensei about his private life either, but I’ve look around this room, and I knew there was a good chance he didn’t have a private life to speak of. And, even if he did, there was no way he was going to talk to us about it.
“What’s your problem?” I demanded to know, taking a step towards him. “You've always had a problem with me. You ignore me, even when I do exactly what you ask. And even when you might be right, even when I agree with you, I’m wrong. It’s been bothering me ever since you were assigned my captain, and I want you to tell me why.”
“Arrogant of you to think I cared one way or the other,” Kazu said, raising a sardonic brow.
I ignored that slap of my heart. Even his words left a blow.
“Clearly, you did, or else you wouldn’t have stopped me,” I forced myself to point out, even if the words were tight.
Kazu pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s not just you that you represent,” he said. “I’m your captain. How do you think it makes me look when you’re offering yourself up to anyone in some shitty tavern. Don’t you value yourself even just a little?”
Another blow. This time, I winced, jerking my head back like he had actually slapped me.
“Fine,” I said. “Since you know everything, you tell me who I should lose my virginity to.”
