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“You don’t get it,” I said while tugging my hand free. “It’s not enough to know my secrets. Atticus understands me—”
“I can understand you, too!”
“Atticus is a monster,” I breathed.
For some reason, this made August laugh. “I suppose he is. Fucking bastard.”
I shook my head again, feeling angry. “August. I’m a monster, too. I connect with him because he gets it. He knows what it means to scrub the blood from under his fingernails.”
He paled. “You speak like this wasn’t just a one-time thing.”
“It wasn’t. I…this wasn’t my first kill, August. And it won’t be my last.”
I let the truth simmer between us. He processed it, diving headfirst into his racing thoughts while leaning closer to me. “Okay,” he said.
“Okay?”
The veins throbbed in his neck. “I said okay! What more do you want from me? I can accept that. I can accept you.”
Fuck. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear him say that. But it wasn’t enough. “August. I love that you can accept me, but you’ll never understand that side of me. You’ll try to make sense of it and resent me in the end. Don’t you see?”
He waited for me to continue. My voice was shaky. My body felt spent. “You know the side of me that was innocent and in love. The grieving girl with stars in her eyes. Leo saw me at my worst. The broken mess barely keeping it together. The survivor with trauma. And Atticus sees me as the monster. The person I had to become to get past it all and thrive. All three of you represent parts of me. I…I don’t even know what that looks like or why I need every part to make sense of this crazy, fucked up life. But that’s why. And it’s selfish. And it’s wrong. And at the end of the day, I want to be the girl who chased you in rose gardens and promised you forever. I know that’s what I should be. But I’m also a broken girl. I’m also a blade at the throat of my enemies.”
He absorbed my speech like it hurt him, his face dripping with pain that I put there. He processed it in silence, and I waited for him to reassure me. To tell me I could be all three. That he could love every stage of existence I’ve danced with.
“So right now, what do you want to be? What’s going to help you the most?”
I was surprised by his question. “What?”
His voice grew, frustration littering the edges of his words. “What do you want to be right fucking now, Christine? Are you still the monster? Are you broken? Or do you want to be innocent?”
My throat felt like it was closing up. I didn’t know how to answer him, but the words came to me before I could think better of it.
“I’m broken, August,” I said softly. And it was true. I was broken. I was hurting. I was struggling with the aftermath of my kill and what that meant for my relationship with August. What people would say. What new threat would come our way.
August nodded, then stood up. I watched him walk away without a word, and my heart crumbled. Was this what my life would be like? Would he always walk away when things got hard?
He opened the door and spoke sternly to someone outside. “She needs you,” he said.
My ears perked up.
“I don’t give a fuck what you need to do right now. Get in here.”
August reached past the threshold and tugged Leo inside my room before slamming the door shut. He spun on his heels and stared at me. “Be broken, love. I’m always here for you. Every bit of your soul. But I want you to have what you need. Even if that’s not me right now. And if you need someone to tame your monster, I’ll get Atticus here. He’s already fighting with the guards, demanding to be let inside the castle anyway.”
“What’s going on?” Leo asked as August blew me a kiss and left my room.
I felt drained and wasn’t in the mood to talk to Leo. I was still trying to figure out how I was going to navigate all of this. August might have been willing to let me explore the other parts of my soul, but that didn’t mean it was fair to Leo to lead him on when all of this felt so damn hopeless.
“Good job getting August out of there,” I said before moving the comforter and sliding underneath it. I welcomed the warmth and cozy feelings. It was nice to settle in. All I really wanted was a nap—some time to disassociate from everything.
“Of course, it’s my job,” Leo said before shuffling on his feet. “Did you need something?”
I chewed on my lip, then turned my body so that I wasn’t facing him. I needed him. I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and make me feel safe. Hold me so tight all my broken pieces were forced back together again so I could pretend to be whole.
A soft tear fell down my cheek. I wanted to leave this damn castle and escape all the memories plaguing me. “Leo?” I whispered.
I felt the mattress dip. “Yeah?”
