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“Atherosclerosis. He had his first heart attack at twenty-five.”
“Young,” Ilias said softly.
“Yes. And he was in good shape. It was probably genetic factors that caused early thickening and hardening of his arteries. He had several heart attacks, got weaker and weaker.”
“Ah, so he was ill for a long time?”
“The last year, he was in the hospital more than he was home.”
“He was your burden.”
Josslyn went stiff. “He was not—”
“I know you wouldn’t say that.” He’d known her all of an hour, but he was confident he was right. “But the people around you, who saw you take care of him, they might have thought that. Said that.” The last words were almost a question.
“Yes,” she whispered. “It was hard because he was sick, but also, he wasn’t. It’s difficult to explain, unless you’ve seen it, lived with someone with heart disease. He would live normally for weeks, and then something would happen, and he’d be in the hospital for three days.”
She paused, and Ilias listened to her slightly unsteady breath.
“When he was home, we operated like normal. Shared the chores, did normal couple things. Then he’d wake up in the middle of the night, say he didn’t feel right, and I’d rush him to the ER. He’d end up in the hospital, and I had to handle everything at home by myself. I’d get into a good rhythm, have everything under control, and he’d come home and want it to go back to what he thought was normal. But I knew that he’d end up in the hospital again, and I’d go back to essentially living alone while also spending time at the hospital, acting as his support and advocate. It would have been simpler if he just let me handle everything, even when he wasn’t in the hospital, but I know he needed to have some responsibilities.”
Ilias raised one hand and gently stroked her arm, a comforting touch.
“I shouldn’t complain,” she whispered. “I’m an asshole for complaining.”
“No. You’re not.”
“I’m not even sure why I’m saying all this to a stranger.”
“It’s because I am a stranger,” Ilias said.
“Maybe. I would just…get so frustrated when he’d come home and expect to act like nothing had changed. I was constantly adjusting to meet his needs, even if those needs were for him to be in charge of the laundry, despite the fact that I’d been handling it, and had a good system in place.”
“Were you in a Dom/sub relationship in addition to being married?”
“Sort of, and only with sex. I’m the one who wanted to explore BDSM. I’ve been interested in it all my life, so I was always very up front with the men I dated.”
“That can be dangerous.”
“I knew it could be, so I didn’t actually do anything until I was in a relationship and I trusted my partner. I’m just trying to make the point that Mike—that’s my husband—knew since our third date.”
“But he wasn’t interested?” Ilias guessed.
Josslyn let out a soft laugh. “I’m honestly not sure. And he’s dead so I can’t ask.”
The statement was so deadpan that Ilias laughed. He cleared his throat. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed.”
“No, you should have. It’s laughable that I was married for two years, with him for four, and looking back on it I’m not sure if he was into kink, or if he was just humoring me.”
Ah. Ilias saw where and how her relationship had gone wrong.
“Can I ask a few questions?”
“Of course,” Josslyn said.
“Who bought the toys and equipment?”
“I did.”
