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I wanted to talk to Calomyr.
The tears flooded my eyes then. He was right behind me, but he wasn’t. He was on this journey with me, but he wasn’t. I blinked hard, gritting my teeth until the tears dissipated. I needed a distraction, something to keep myself from spiraling. I wouldn’t let myself cry tonight.
“Miles,” I called, standing from my bedroll and drawing my sword. “I want to train.”
He scratched the back of his head. “A bit late for that, no?”
“It’s an order from your Queen.”
Miles sighed. “Guess I can’t argue with that.” he quipped, pushing himself to stand. “Alright. Let’s train.”
? ? ?
With each passing night, the Onyx Pass loomed ever closer, ever present on the horizon like a slow moving storm. But it was nothing compared to what brewed in me. I’d been a bitch to Belin. I couldn’t deny it. I was apathetic and bitter and avoidant. And I knew for a fact that it was only because I was trying to defend myself from the hurt he’d caused me, to cope with seeing him here, alive.
He’d been kind. As always. He’d been kind and helpful and considerate, always making sure I’d eaten enough, always making sure I had a comfortable spot to sleep. And I was a fucking bully in return. I hated myself for it, but I had no instructions for navigating how to cope with what had happened, no guidance for forgiving someone whose fictitious death I’d grieved.
“I think we should call it early,” Belin declared, pulling his horse to a stop, eyeing the sky as it began to melt into pink and amber. He dismounted, patting his horse on its side before reaching for the saddlebag. “Let’s spend the night at the base of the Pass. That’s one less night we’ll have to spend in it.”
“No.” I pushed my horse past where he’d stopped, my back to him. “I want to keep going.”
“He’s right, Petra,” Miles answered, and I heard him stop his horse and dismount as well.
Still I advanced, leaving the brothers behind as I kept on for the Pass. “I want to keep going,” I repeated, irritation in my voice.
“You can’t disagree with an idea just because it’s Cal’s.”
I pulled my horse to a halt, a metaphorical rock slamming into my gut at the accusation he made. I kept my breathing even as the truth hovered above my head, its edges dipping into my field of vision, begging for my attention. My eyes squeezed shut, trying to find some way,anyway around the fact that Miles’ accusation was right, and here it was out in the open.
“How dare you,” I spat, sliding from my horse and marching straight to where Miles stood beside Belin. “How dare you accuse me of something so juvenile.”Something so true.
Belin shifted uncomfortably. “Tobyas, it’s–”
“No, Cal,” he cut in. “We’re all in this mess because of Castemont. You can be angry, Petra. Hell, stay angry for the rest of your life. That’s understandable. But you can’t be…” He trailed off, the incomplete sentence hanging in the air.
“I can’t be what, Miles?” My voice was sharp as I stared up at him, my jaw tight as I waited for him to answer me. His mouth bobbed open as he searched for the word. “Cruel? Resentful? A bitch? Is that what you were going to say?”
“No, it’s–”
“Am I not your Queen?” I snarled, my voice eerily calm as I took another step toward him. The horses must have sensed my anger, because they suddenly grew restless.
He bowed his head, a few rogue strands of hair falling loose of their tie and brushing his cheek. “Until the day I die, you will be my Queen.”
“Then as your Queen, I am allowed to feelwhateverthe fuck I want about what has happened to me, and I owe neither of you a reason or justification. So if I don’t want to accept any of Belin’s ideas, I won’t.” I felt the familiar burn in my hands, steam rising in my throat as I stalked toward Miles, my eyes pinning him where he stood. “If I want to continue into the Pass tonight, I will.” Tiny flames began to lick at my palms, and I felt both of their attention glued to the fire that was growing. “And if I want to end both of your lives right here, right now, I’ll do so, and I’ll do so gladly.”
Miles nodded, and my eyes moved to Belin, fury rumbling through me. “I want you to stop, okay? You’re not going to receive my forgiveness, and I’m fucking sick of you trying.” His face was unreadable as I stepped toward him, resolve coursing through me. “I don’t need your explanations. You’ll serve me as my sworn sword and nothing else, or I’ll take your fucking life. Understand?”
Fear flashed across Miles’ face, and I reveled in it, let the feeling of power wash over me. My eyes flicked to Belin, but his expression had changed, quickly dousing my fire in icy water. I could tell exactly what he was thinking as my flames flickered out. It was written on his face, and he made no attempt to conceal it.
“Yes, my Queen.” The words were hollow, completely emotionless.
That wasn’t Calomyr. It wasn’t even Belin.
I spun away, something like shame replacing my fury. My chest felt empty. Clarity rushed back into my brain as I stared at the shadows growing longer on the face of the Onyxian Mountains.
At the core of it all, it wasn’t Belin’s fault. As desperately as I wanted to blame him, I couldn’t. As desperately as I wanted to hate him…
Without turning back, I nodded. “We camp here tonight.”
