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I love my sister more than anyone in this world and despite my dread of this wedding, I never felt I’d want to be in her place. But that smile??—reciprocated with just as much love and awe—causes a different kind of burning sensation in my chest. I want that too. And I had it once.
Brian seems to sense the change and tightens his embrace. I turn to him teary already, struggling to focus, but there’s no doubt that there’s love in those warm eyes. It can’t be a pretense. Everything he has done since we saw each other again was a constant effort to be with me and make up for the past.
He brushes his forehead against mine and gives me a smile that’s just as sweet as those we just saw at the altar. It takes great effort to tear my eyes from him but once the ceremony starts, I don’t look away from the happy couple again. I don’t want to miss another moment of my sister’s big day, but Brian’s strong arms and intoxicating cologne make the whole experience better…sweeter… And to think that I wanted to bring some random person with me today. It would have been pure torture.
By the time Emily and Jeremy exchange their vows, the mist in my eyes has turned into a waterfall. Thankfully, there’s some extra time between this and taking photos with the guests so I break our embrace and sneak away with Rose to touch up my face—it’s her work after all. We make our way to the far end of the garden, stopping behind one of the columns for privacy.
“They looked so happy,” she says and it’s obvious that she’s touched by the whole thing too. “And so did you.”
There’s no need for her to elaborate, I know what she means, what I feel. My feelings for Brian are just as strong as they ever were, perhaps even more so. “I guess the plan backfired a bit,” I say, unable to hide the shakiness in my voice.
“What are you going to do now?”
I shrug. “What can I do? Let the past go and start over with him?” Just the thought sends a shiver down my spine but there, at the back of my mind, the fear remains. I can get over a breakup but not having my heart broken again. Maybe that’s why I’ve always kept some kind of distance from my boyfriends and never let myself fully connect with somebody else.
Rose nods and opens her makeup bag without offering any advice. She takes a cotton pad and carefully wipes any smudging under my eyes and then uses a fluffy brush to apply some powder all over my face.
“Seriously? No comment on that?” I don’t think she’s ever held her tongue when I’m complaining about something.
“It’s your life Carol, I won’t tell you what to do. If you’re looking for advice, I’ve already given you that. The point of this trip was for you to have closure and maybe get back at him a bit but it’s obvious that your heart is not in it. Or should I say, it is, but not in the way you expected.” She tilts her head to the side as if debating whether or not to continue. “Actually, I’ll give you one last piece of advice because it looks like you need to hear it, even though you already know what you should do: live it. There are no guarantees in life, and you certainly don’t need to have everything figured out. And yes, chances are it won’t last forever if you two try again. So what? Is it better to live with that constant ‘what if?’”
Stunned by her passionate speech, I stumble to find words to respond with. Rose smiles at me and then glances behind me with a frown. I turn around and see that the photographer has almost finished with the pictures of the newlyweds and my mother is waving at us to come closer. Rose throws her arm over my shoulder and leads me back to the main area before she sets off to find Dennis. I have a lot to think about and drawing more attention to me today won’t help with that.
The photographer has asked the staff to remove the chairs from the front row and most of the guests have already gone to the restaurant, granting the immediate family some privacy. Almost.
Aunt Sharon, my father’s oldest sister, is determined to have a go at me with perhaps the worst timing in the world. “Well look at you, so lovely, Carol. How are you hanging in there, Dear?”
Excuse me? Do I look like I’m suffering?
Seeing my confused expression, she explains, “I’m just checking in, making sure you… I mean, with your younger sister getting married, and you just getting started with a new man. I’ve heard that your previous boyfriend is here with someone else. At this age who knows when—”
I lift my palm between us resisting the urge to press it over her mouth. It’s people like her, spewing things left and right, too bored or dissatisfied with their own lives, that I’ve allowed to affect me for too long. Not today, I remind myself. “Look—”
“There you are, Sharon.” Mom places her hand on my aunt’s arm and turns her around. Before she can protest, Mom leans in and whispers something to her, followed by pointing somewhere in the crowd. Aunt Sharon stares in the distance with disdain until she spots what my mother is showing her. Then she turns to me and assures me we’ll talk later, sprinting off immediately afterward.
“What the hell was that?”
Mom just giggles and pulls me into a hug. “I thought I’d give you a break today.” She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and then continues, “Besides, we don’t want that expression of yours immortalized in the wedding album.”
My face relaxes immediately, and I let her guide me to the happy couple for the first photos. I smile brightly for each one but before we are done, my mom’s last comment rings in my ears again. I scan the crowd to see if Brian is still here and spot him close to the exit, speaking with one of my cousins. As if sensing my stare, he looks in my direction and I wave him over. No matter what happens, I do want a photo of us together today.
Taken aback, he hesitates to move so I point to the photographer and then motion at Brian to come over. He makes his way toward us looking very confused.
“Are you sure?” he whispers as I reach out for his hand.
“I want proper memories of this day,” I assure him.
He congratulates my sister and Jeremy again and stands by my side, placing his hand on my back. We smile for the camera, this time both our expressions relaxed and happy, like the couple next to us.
The photographer takes a few more shots and gives us a thumbs-up. I blow a kiss to my sister as Brian and I, still embracing, head toward the restaurant. This time, I don’t pay any attention to the looks we get. It seems I had truly forgotten what it was like not to care about the world around me.
“Happy?” he asks.
“Yes.” More than you can imagine.
The wedding reception is as dreamy as the ceremony with six different menu options for the guests and a live band to ensure everyone will be in the mood for dancing. We sit next to the main table, together with Jeremy’s sisters, the conversation revolving around everything and nothing. My mouth hurts from all the laughter and when I catch Rose’s enthusiastic gaze, I know exactly what she wants to tell me.
Live it.
