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It wasn’t a question.
Bodhi swallowed heavily, then nodded. “Ravi was better than me, because he could hear better. A few times he pretended to be me so they wouldn’t be so angry at me all the time but…they always knew. And then the punishments would be worse. I haven’t seen them since we started college. I’m afraid of what they’ll do if they see us using ASL.”
Caleb’s face stilled, then he set his plate down and bowed over his thighs, pressing his hands to his face. Feeling slightly panicked, like maybe he’d said all the wrong things yet again, Bodhi reached for him, but Caleb threw one hand out to stay him, and Bodhi reared back.
It wasn’t the same feeling as it had been in the office. Bodhi’s brain had shifted Caleb from possible threat to someone suffering, so he just shifted away slightly, trying not to get overwhelmed with guilt. He hadn’t meant to upset him.
Frustration began to war with all the other feelings in him. Why did people ask questions and then get so angry when they got the answers?
“I’m so sorry,” Caleb signed, moving closer, his face a mask of sorrow.
Bodhi blinked in surprise. “What?”
“I’m so sorry,” Caleb repeated, but Bodhi missed the rest of the long sentence.
He cringed at himself as he asked, “Can you repeat that?”
Instead of seeing the familiar look of irritation on Caleb’s face, he saw patience. The same sort of patience Bodhi had watched Caleb giving everyone else around him. It felt…strange. It felt both good and bad, like getting something he’d wanted for so damn long, but still wondering why he wasn’t allowed to have it until now.
“I should have never come at you the way I did.”
Bodhi deflated and shrugged. “You didn’t know. I don’t ever talk about this.”
Caleb shook his head hard enough it likely rattled his brain. “That’s the point. I should have never treatedanyonelike that. There’s no way to know what they’re dealing with, and I watched my brother struggle with all of this for years. I don’t know…” His hands stilled, then he covered his face again and took several trembling breaths before he looked up. “I don’t know why it felt different with you. I hope you can forgive me one day, but not until I earn it, okay?”
Bodhi softly stimmed his fingers together between his spread knees as he tried to come up with an answer, then he realized Caleb wasn’t really asking for one. It was a personal crisis, and Bodhi could relate a lot more than he wanted to admit.
He didn’t like thinking about how many hours he’d spent with weighted blankets pinning him to his bed as his mind spun out of control. ‘Why are you like this,’ played like a mantra over and over in his head until the words no longer made sense. And he never did get an answer other than to accept that he just was the way that he was.
“Caleb.” The name sign felt foreign to him, and he realized he had only ever used it to talkaboutCaleb. Nevertohim.
True biz, Caleb emphasized. “Let me earn it.”
Bodhi sighed and then Caleb reached for him. Bodhi melted into another hug, curling up against Caleb’s chest. Caleb held him tight, squeezing gently and rubbing his nose along the side of Bodhi’s temple.
He felt Caleb shudder, could only just hear a faint hitch to his breath, and he prayed desperately for some kind of answer to make this whole thing make sense. He didn’t know what the hell he really wanted from Caleb. Yeah, he had feelings for him which were getting worse by the minute, the more Caleb allowed gentle touches and quiet embraces.
But what did that mean for their future?
Caleb was older, and more successful. He was strong and smart and good looking. And he might be a dick sometimes, but he was also kind and soft. He cared about people with a ferocity Bodhi wasn’t used to, and it was slightly overwhelming now that it was being directed at him.
It was ridiculous to even contemplate what that would mean for the two of them because that would be assuming Caleb would ever want a wreck like him.
He pulled back slowly, trying to get his feelings tucked back into their boxes, but when he met Caleb’s eyes, he realized that wasn’t possible. Those little boxes weren’t open. They were destroyed.
“I didn’t mean to drag you here so I could make us both fall apart,” Caleb said.
Bodhi’s heart gave a heavy throb, like it had been bruised. “Falling apart doesn’t bother me. I do it all the time. It’s the autism.”
Caleb blinked at him, then his lips twitched. “Was that a joke?”
Bodhi grinned. “Yeah. No one believes me that I’m funny.”
Caleb’s smile was small, and he swiped the back of his hand under his nose. Bodhi grimaced, which made Caleb laugh. “Well now I know.” Caleb took another deep breath and swiped one hand over his face before saying, “I’m kind of gross right now. I can take you home if you want.”
Bodhi did want to leave. Not because he wanted to be away from Caleb, but because he didn’t. He wanted to stay. He wanted to tuck himself into all the little empty spaces in Caleb’s house.
But it wasn’t his place, and the longer he let this go on, the more it would hurt when Caleb eventually moved on to someone else.
