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London nods. “That’s what most say.”
“But you think it’s possible, and that I’ve somehow developed intense feelings for Alex.” Simply saying his name triggers an ache in my chest. “That’s more like Stockholm. The only thing I feel for him is deep, emotional disdain.”
“Have you ever been close, truly close, with anyone in your life before?”
I consider her question seriously. “No. Never.” I hold up my hand to halt her next question. “But have you ever diagnosed a disempathetic type?”
She pushes back in the sofa, her shoulders relaxing. “In fact I have, Grayson.” She pauses a beat to let me absorb this information. “Or rather, he diagnosed himself. Then he told me I needed to master my passions.” A curious glimmer flashes in her eyes. “He was offended I refused to consider the possibility for him at first. But in the end, I conceded that Grayson did harbor the capability to care and even protect those he deemed worthy.”
The way she refers to him on a first name basis doesn’t escape me. “Did he consider you worthy?”
“I think he did.”
“So his deep, emotional connection to you resulted in him kidnapping you. Forcing you to watch him commit murder. Nearly killing you…”
“As bizarre as my experiences with Grayson were, yes. To a highly intelligent and damaged individual such as he was, his emotional capability was entirely unique to him. He was capable of love, in his own way.”
Curious. I tilt my head. “He was in love with you.” It’s not a question, but the inquisitive tone of my voice is evident.
“He believed he was,” she answers honestly, and I appreciate her candidness with me. “But what is love but simply chemicals in the brain that make us believe in our feelings?”
My defenses lower a notch. I’m exhausted trying to keep them in place. “I’m sorry, London, for bringing up what happened. Saying you’ve been through hell is a pathetic understatement, and it’s not my intention to question your experiences.”
“Would you have apologized before?” she asks bluntly.
I huff a derisive laugh. “No.”
“Then don’t apologize now. If I wasn’t able to talk about my experiences, then I’d be a hypocrite for asking my patients to do so.”
And suddenly, I like Dr. London Noble.
“Understood.” I shake my head as I pivot back to the origin of this conversation. “I might consider this disempathetic thing, but my emotions aren’t only centered around one person. Since trying to reassimilate back into my life, I’m overwhelmed with emotions all the time. It’s exhausting and, honestly, I’m a little terrified I’m actually going crazy.”
She considers my statement in earnest. “Relationships are complicated, Blakely. The mind is very complex. It’s not black and white. Gray matter isn’t psychopathic or non-psychopathic. There are varying shades along the spectrum. Change is happening every second, in every facet of our lives. Just because you thought yourself incapable of empathy and love before, doesn’t mean you would be incapable forever.”
My heart roars inside my chest.Relationshipis a weak and insulting way to describe what is between Alex and me. Even if I admit I’m capable of change, even if I accept that my “experience” brought on extreme emotions which impacted my psyche, there’s no way in hell I’m acknowledging that a relationship, aconnection, with Alex is what altered my brain chemistry.
Because that’s what she’s suggesting. That I’m some sort of enchanted psychopath and Alex is my Prince Charming.
We are not a fairy tale.
We’re a horror story.
“Even if I’m now capable of love, it wouldn’t be for him. Passion isn’t a beast, he’s the beast,” I say. “I won’t hold my breath waiting for him to transform into a prince. That’s delusional.”
She makes an amused sound of understanding. “It’s not waiting for the beast to transform into a prince and save us. It’s about uncovering the terrifying beast within ourselves and—”
“Confronting it?”
“No, making it stronger and more terrifying than our fear so we can conquer that which weakens us.”
I hold her unyielding gaze, her meaning settling deep in my bones.
Alex does weaken me, but not in the assumed way—and London understands this.
However, as much as I appreciate her insight, these aren’t the answers I came here to get. “I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t…I don’t accept he’s the catalyst. I was one way before Alex subjected me to his torture treatment. Now I’m different, altered. It’s just that simple, Dr. Noble.”
She sits forward and reaches across to take my hand. I pull back at first, startled.
