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When she falls asleep on the couch, her head perched on my lap, I pull out my phone and start making a list of the things I need to take care of before we take our next step. Draft a new will. Put her name on the account. Make an appointment with the jeweler for a ring.
As I pull up my email to set up a meeting with Fitz, I notice the email to my investigator I started yesterday. I thought it had been deleted, but it must have been saved in my drafts. My eyes freeze over the email, and I know, deep down, it would be the wise thing to do. Just as a precaution before either of us enter into this marriage with skeletons in our closet. I mean…I’m sure she’s done a search on me too. My life is just a little more public than hers.
Asking her to marry me was impulsive, so sending this email is just my way of being careful.
Without another thought, I hit Send.
I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for it. Daisy never has to know I sent it. At least when he emails me back with nothing alarming, she and I can move forward with our lives, knowing we love each other unconditionally.
Pocketing my phone, I lift Daisy from the couch and carry her to bed. As she sleeps on the pillow next to me, I realize that all the heartache and ruined relationships led to this moment right here, which makes it all more than worth it.
RULE #33: IT’S OKAY TO LIKE THE PAIN
Daisy
I’ve been playing so long, my fingers are starting to ache. The music echoes loudly through the empty apartment. It’s lovely, but it’s not calming my senses.
My mind is a mess, a whirlwind of elation and dread spinning around in my head, muddling all my thoughts. As soon as I woke up this morning, without him next to me, I came here. I needed to get lost in the music for a while, hoping if I played the notes loud, they’d drown out my thoughts.
It hasn’t worked yet. Between each chord, my mind reminds me.
Ronan proposed.
I said yes.
I have to tell him the truth.
Over and over and over in my mind.
When he finally comes back, it’s late afternoon, and he finds me in the formal living room, still vainly pounding away at the keys. His touch along my arms and over my fingers finally silences everything—the music and the dreaded thoughts. So I let him continue his way down my back and over my breasts.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up,” he whispers in my ear.
“It’s okay,” I reply, leaning into him, craning my neck in hopes that he’ll touch me some more. This time, it’s his mouth that trails long tender lines on my skin.
“How are you feeling today, baby girl?”
I hum in response as his beard scratches my throat. “Great,” I lie.
His gentle hands turn my body, placing my legs on the opposite side of the bench, so I’m facing him. Then he kneels on both knees between my legs. As our eyes meet, I swallow.
I’m still full of joy and excitement for the proposal, but it’s the fear and dread of having to tell him the truth that’s tainting everything.
“Daisy, I’m serious. Last night was intense. If you have any regrets—”
I press my hand against his mouth to quiet his words. “Not a single regret,” I reply. “Do you?”
My hand falls away from his face as he shakes his head. “No, baby girl. I don’t regret a thing.”
A smile creeps slowly across my face as he leans in, pressing his lips to mine. I let him engulf my body, seeking his touch for comfort. There’s not a safer place in the world than in his arms.
His lips find my neck again, sinking lower as he pulls the strap of my cami to the side and kisses his way across my shoulders. When his hands skate up my bare legs, I gasp as he brushes them across my sensitive core.
“Do you still want to meet with Eden tonight? Two nights in a row might be too much. We can reschedule.”
“I’m ready,” I reply eagerly. I need this. If his soft touch eases my worries, I know the pain she will bring will silence it altogether.
“If you change your mind, let me know.”
