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But she’s right. Because every moment that I spend coddling and nurturing the girl I love, I’m thinking about how much I hated bringing her pain. Even if she loved it. Even if she came twice. Even if sheneedsit.
It pains me to think I can’t give my girl everything she needs.
* * *
After we feel Daisy has fully come down and recovered, we urge her to get out of bed and get dressed. She hugs Eden and says her goodbyes, before I tuck Daisy inside the car. Then, we’re finally alone.
“Are you okay?” she asks, her head on my shoulder.
“Yes, baby girl. I’m okay. Are you okay?”
“I’m better than okay.”
My mood is still tense as I stare out the window. Suddenly it’s her comforting me. She pulls my face toward her. “You think there’s something wrong with me, don’t you? For liking that so much.”
“No, baby. Of course, I don’t.” I take her fingers in my hands, kissing her knuckles with affection.
“Then, what’s wrong?”
“Daisy, I want to give you everything you need. I want to be the only thing you need.”
“But you don’t think you can do this?”
“I’ll get there,” I reply.
“If you don’t like it then I don’t want you to do it.”
“So, what? You’ll go to Eden whenever you need…that? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel, Daisy? I’ll do it.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, tucking her body closer to mine. “I didn’t mean to imply that.”
Petting her head as she rests against my chest, I try to shove all of my worries away. “It’s okay, baby girl.” Then I lift her chin, so she’s gazing up at me as I whisper, “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she replies.
And I believe her. She does love me as much as I love her. I just hope it’s enough. It has to be.
Because I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s not.
RULE #35: HEARTBREAK IS THE WORST PAIN OF ALL
Ronan
For the first time in years, I sleep past seven. Apparently last night took more out of me than I realized. Daisy’s warm body is draped over mine like a blanket, keeping me glued to my slumber like a potent drug. When I finally peel my eyes open, I see a mess of blonde, the sun shining through Daisy’s hair creating a halo over her sleeping face.
My bed has never felt more inviting. And I’m half tempted to wake her up with my mouth between her legs, but after last night, I want her to rest. When Daisy is with me, I want her to always be well-rested, well-fed, and well-fucked.
Then I let the conversation in the car replay in my mind, the same fear and anxiety surfacing once again. Is this how it’s going to be? Constant worry that I won’t be enough? That I won’t please her enough? That she’ll need something from someone else and leave me broken-hearted?
Sooner or later, I have to relax. She loves me. I’m confident of that. So why am I still so worried?
When I finally crawl out of my bed, it’s with the intention to go to my office to follow up with the email to Fitz. And I realize the desire to get married and settle our business as fast as possible is just another form of that anxiety and unease. I’m covering that up with the excuse that I just want to be sure Daisy is taken care of.
So, after a rushed shower, I’m dressed and sitting in my office, opening my email. I’m halfway through typing out the message when my phone rings.
Glancing down at the caller ID on the screen, I recognize the investigator’s name, and my stomach instantly fills with lead, flooded with shame. I nearly forgot about that email. The one I never should have sent.
Which is why I nearly let it go to voicemail.
