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I still want to.
Even though it’s wrong. So fucking wrong.
After thinking it through all night, replaying every moment of our relationship, I figured out what I need to do. I know now what Daisy truly needs from me, but I don’t know if I have the strength to give it to her.
When she finally comes out of the bathroom, she’s dressed in the clothes I left on the counter, a few things she left behind. She stops when she sees me standing in the kitchen, like I’m waiting for her.
Wordlessly, I open the bottle of ibuprofen on the counter and take two out. Then I take them to her with a glass of water. She stares at them with sadness in her eyes.
“Thank you,” she whispers, taking them from my hand.
“You’re welcome,” I reply.
When her eyes find my face, I know she’s searching my expression for something soft and loving, but I’m cold and frozen behind a wall to protect myself. If I bend, even a little, I will break entirely.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, breaking into a sob.
In a moment of weakness, I pull her into my arms and hold her against my chest. But that’s it. I’m not a monster, and it would take a monster to turn her away when she’s in this emotional state.
“We can go back to the way things were. This doesn’t have to change anything,” she cries into my chest.
With my hands rubbing the shivering surface of her back, I wish more than anything her words were true. When I don’t respond, she pulls away and stares up at me.
Here comes the hard part.
“We can’t.”
“What? Why? Because of my mom?” Her voice is high-pitched and riddled with pain and desperation.
“It’s more than that.”
“Then, what is it? Because I lied to you? Ronan, I was scared of losing you. I should have told you, and I’m sorry.”
“Did you ever really want me…or did you just need me?”
Her mouth hangs open in shock as her brow furrows. The pain is etched in her features.
“Ronan,” she sobs, tears streaking across her face, “Ineedyou because I love you.”
“Daisy, as wonderful as this past month has been, I realized something yesterday. I realized that we would never work, not like that. As long as you needed me, then I would have loved you. But I don’t want you to need me anymore, Daisy. I want you to stay because youwantto.”
“I do want to,” she cries.
“Listen to me, baby girl. We both have some growing to do. You need me in the same way I need to feel needed.”
“I don’t want to do it alone,” she sobs, and it breaks my heart to hear her say it because I know it’s true.
“As much as I want to take care of you, Daisy…I need you to be able to take care of yourself.” My voice cracks as emotion builds in my chest.
“Please…”
My bottom lip quivers as I hold her away from me. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve lost loved ones countless times, but I’ve never had to push one away, and it hurts so much worse.
She fights, her face turning to anguish, and I can see her wishing this moment wasn’t real. That it had any other outcome than this one, and honestly, so do I.
When she turns away, holding her hand over her face as she squeezes out another round of tears, I feel the moisture pooling in my own eyes.
“So it’s not even about my lies or my mother. It’s because you don’t want to take care of me anymore. It’s because I’m a mess.”
