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“I want to go out withyou. I want to show the world they can fuck off, because I don’t care what they think. They can jeer and spit and ring bells calling us sinners for all I care, and you know what? I’ll be smiling.”
“I’m not so sure about that–” he began, but I was. I was deadly sure. I was remembering the strength in Lola. She was proud, determined to stand with Peter through hisshame.
“Will you come out with me, hand in hand?” I asked him. “Yes or no?”
He didn’t even pause.
“Well yes, of course I will, if that’s what you want.”
“Doyouwant to? Do you want to come out with me?”
His smile was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. He tipped my face up to his and pressed his lips to mine with pure adoration. I could feel it.
“I’d love nothing more than to be at your side. Just so long as you’re ready.”
“You won’t be ashamed to be seen with me?”
He laughed. “There is nothing shameful about you, sweetheart. The wrongdoing is all on me.”
“And I don’t give a single fuck about that. All I care about is being with you, everyone else can get stuffed.”
“And what about your mum? How will you feel about her seeing us together? That could be painful for her, you know?”
I could only imagine how shit Julian had found it to have his whole family cast him aside. The idea of seeing the hurt and disappointment in Mum was enough to make my heart ache, but not enough to back down. The world would have to accept me being with Julian, including Mum and big-mouth Trish, since I wasn’t ever going to let him go.
“I’ll cope,” I told him with a smile.
“You’re sure?”
“Very sure.”
I was so relieved when he took his coat down from the hook.
“Let’s do it, then. Let’s face the wall of hate head on.”
His hand was so strong in mine as we set off. Despite the nerves, and the fears, and the shadow of knowing that at some point Mum would see us, I was smiling.
I didn’t feel sick, I felt strong and proud. I wanted the world to know I was on Julian’s arm for real, as a partner, not just a casual fuck. There was something else in me, too. A slight hope of something else under the surface. The hope that he too would find some pride in being beside me. Of showing the world that he wasn’t just a guy who used girls in private for filthy games, because that wasn’t who he was, no matter what he might think of himself. He may have been thrown out by his family because they couldn’t live with his sex life, but this was different to that. I was different. Or I hoped so.
Clichéd but true.
If only the rest of Worcester would see it that way…
I got a lurch ofoh fuckas the garage came into view, with the idiots still sitting outside. I was ready to give them another round of retaliation and tell them to fuck off again, but I didn’t need to. Julian was already prepared. He gripped my hand tighter as he saw them looking in our direction, and his shoulders were tall and proud. He was giving them one hell of a stare through every step, and I saw the cold, hard strength in his eyes. It gave me a crazy whirl of flutters in my stomach as I stared up at him and not at them, and I got a taste of how he must have looked at Scottie when he ordered him to leave.
I wanted to turn around on the spot and head straight back to the apartment again, desperate for another round of his strength in the bedroom. He was absolutely fucking gorgeous, with the hint of steel that I’d seen in the old photos of him online.Next to his wife.
But now he was next to me…
I felt so free as we passed the guys on the bench with no stupid bullshit from them that I got a rush of confidence of my own. I turned my head back to them when we had walked on by and gave them a smirk offuck you.
Julian must have read me, though. We were around the corner when he leant down close and whispered in my ear.
“Don’t judge it too early. I don’t want to piss on our lovely parade, but they are just a bunch of loud-mouthed idiots who have no backbone when it comes to it. There will be plenty of more dramatic challenges ahead, I’m sure.”
He wasn’t joking on that score, because typically, as they usually do, a synchronicity rose up to give me the middle finger for being so blasé. Trisha was walking towards us on the same side of the street with Ramsay in his pushchair, and there was Martha beside her. I saw them before they saw us, and every scrap of my confidence seemed to fizzle up in a flash.
They practically stopped in their tracks as their eyes locked on ours, and Trisha’s mouth dropped open. I stopped too, but Julian kept on walking, coaxing me along with a gentle tug. He wasn’t afraid.
