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“Honestly? Yeah, I am,” he says and chuckles. “I think you’re going to come back in a few weeks or months and say you love this chick. Then, she’ll get folded into the group, and it’ll be like you were always together.”
“What would a man like me do with a girlfriend?”
“A year ago, I met Irina. What did I know about girlfriends or commitment? Remember how I worried about being a dad? We’re set in our ways, but we aren’t incapable of change.”
“I don’t want to change.”
“I didn’t, either.”
“You seemed to do it pretty quick. Irina was the holdup.”
“Exactly.”
“But I’m not you, and Xenia’s not Irina.”
“What’s your real worry here? That she isn’t capable of wanting you? Or that she is, but it’ll mess up your life?”
“Both. I’ve got no need for a woman,” I reply roughly before feeling overly tired as I admit, “But if I wanted her, I can’t imagine what that would mean. How do I make a woman settle for a man like me?”
Eagle steps back and looks me over. “You’re handsome or whatever.”
“Leave me alone.”
“No, I’m helping,” Eagle says, wearing a grin. “That’s what I do now that I’ve got a kid and have gone all soft inside.”
“I’m leaving.”
“No, just settle the fuck down.”
I frown at his kid. “I don’t want one of those.”
“Neither did I until it was inside Irina.”
Waving off the very idea, I grumble, “I’m not feeling it. Change and chasing a woman and being different. This is me. I don’t want to be anyone else.”
“Well, that’s your answer right there,” Eagle says and changes his daughter’s position so she’s looking over his shoulder at the house where Irina watches us. “You just be you with this woman. No putting on any acts to impress her. Just be Hobo. If she doesn’t like that guy, then fuck her. No reason to change.”
“You changed for Irina.”
“Not that much. I showed Irina who I was. I got grumpy and told her that I’d never see my mom clearly and I’d always have hang-ups. She looked at a flawed man and saw what she wanted to keep.”
His words dig at me in the wrong way. They only remind me how I’ll never win the girl. Even if I cleaned myself up and said the right things, I’d still be fucked up inside.
Xenia might be lonely now. But time will fix her pain if she lets it.When that moment comes, I won’t be enough.
I’m thinking of that the next day when I force myself to enter her shop. Hiding from Xenia isn’t making me feel any better. I’ve never been one to look away from reality. I didn’t get bogged down in fantasies like Kourtney did. I’m as real as a man can get.
So, I walk into her shop and face the inevitable. Xenia will always remain out of reach. Nothing I do or say will fix who we are. I need to accept the rejection like I did my hunger as a kid.Just own the pain rather than hide from it.
Xenia’s sitting at a table, staring into space when I tug open her door. Startled from her thoughts, she nearly falls out of the chair. Her alarmed gaze takes in the sight of me. The fear quickly fades, and a smile brightens her lovely face.
“You came back,” she says in that funky, breathless voice women get when they’re emotional.
Stepping inside, I shrug like her reaction isn’t tearing me up inside. I don’t want to care. There’s nothing wrong with my life that needs changing.
“Have you got anything to drink besides coffee?”
Xenia flinches at my rough tone. I see her rethinking things before her gaze warms again.
