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It was love, plain and simple. Powerful and completely unknown feelings and sensations that I had never felt before —and that I've never felt since—, ran up and down my weakened body and hazy mind in that state between wakefulness and dream.
That was the last time I've had any good sleep, and also the first and last time I was with Phillip.
For a while there, despite events proving his indifference to me, I really thought we could be the real deal, but in the end, I had to accept that whatever I had felt, had been one-sided since he had just dropped me without a backward glance or explanation no matter what he had promised.
I truly hoped we would find our way to each other again, but it was just wishful thinking.
It just wasn't meant to be, I guess.
After losing Flora and with the trauma of the fire dogging my every step, I simply could not stay any longer in Connecticut. It was too painful, too raw. There were so many feelings inside of me and an unhealthy dose of survival guilt that made it impossible for me to be anywhere that reminded me of my friend.
I had to leave and I did. I never told anybody about the way I went and lost my heart to the firefighter who saved me.
I transferred to Chicago and never looked back, in fact, I haven't been here in years. My dad and I met up regularly, but he was the one who came to Illinois to see me and the same goes for Isobelle.
I wasn't strong enough to be here, haven't been for years, but now things are different. Now I have a chance to face my demons and beat them.
Okay, that's more than enough wallowing for tonight.
No more painful memories or recollections of silly little-girl illusions and definitely no more thoughts of Phillip King and his disappearing act.
I shake myself and jump out of bed.
There's no way I'm going to fall asleep now, I might as well start to unpack my stuff.
I've got too much on my plate as it is.
I pick up one of the boxes and put it on the bed.
Happy thoughts. That's what I should be focusing on.
This is the start of the rest of my life.
I'm done with college, done with post-grad school, and definitely done with hiding away in Chicago.
And by the time the 10th of November rolls in, I will be working for 'Every Woman', the very NGO that got me passionate about women studies and social justice in the first place when I was a teen. The fact that they hired me to work in the advocating and funding department of their main chapter here, just where my roots are, makes this even more meaningful to me.
They put women's rights at the forefront of their mission and I've been fascinated by this organization since one of my high school teachers introduced to us the possibility to volunteer with them at their local shelter. Now I will finally get to put to good use my degree and everything I learned at Northwestern by helping women fight for equality and by raising money for their shelter. The thought makes me so damn happy, I can't stand it.
That's what I need to focus on.
I'm here to challenge myself, to start over.
I can do this.
I'm not going to let the pain of my past shape every single aspect of my life any longer, no matter how difficult it is. This is not what Flora would have wanted.
I open the box and pull out the pink and baby blue glittery Sleeping Beauty gown. It's still wrapped in plastic and thankfully not too badly wrinkled.
I didn't think there could ever be a force in heaven or on earth that could make me celebrate Halloween again, let alone dress up as a Disney princess for it.
Turns out that force does exist in the shape of a persistent 5'3'' woman that can pull the best, most effective puppy-dog eyes this side of Connecticut.
I could never refuse Belle anything while we were growing up, she's like a sister to me, and I'm not going to start now.
Besides, I really think she has a point. As soon as she proposed her idea to me, I was on board.
We need to move on, do something cathartic to really say goodbye to the sad memories, and bring back to life the happy ones. That's what our best friend would have wanted.
