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I could hear each wall of this haven creak and groan under pressure, straining to hold back the chaos outside.
I continued working as quickly as I could. I gathered supplies in a bag—flashlights, energy bars, bottles of water, and a knife, because I wasn't letting the world take any more chances with me, not when I had my own and two other dearly beloved lives to protect.
Leia's scream catapulted me to the living room, and I watched in horror as a thunderous crash followed in the wake of the front window cracking open.
Glass splintered and scattered across the floor, but in that split second, I was able to make a dash for it and pull Leia back into the bedroom.
"Junie, what do we do?" she cried. "I want my dad!"
I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tightly. "He's coming home to you as soon as he can. You are stronger than any storm."
"What if something happens?"
"Nothing will happen," I said, feeling my throat become constricted. "I promise you."
I wanted to say more, but before I could find the words, a sharp wave of nausea churned inside me, and I doubled over then and there, heaving on the carpet. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom.
Leia had her arms around me in a second, shielding me protectively. "Junie! Are you okay?" She jumped off the bed and got a bottle of water from the bag. I drank from it, feeling slightly better. I had to think on my feet. Leia—
"Are you... are you pregnant, Junie?"
The question hit me harder than any storm would have. How would I answer her? Because I couldn't lie.
"Who ... why would you think that, sweetie?" I asked her instead, trying to find a way to skirt around it.
She shrugged. "Sex ed class. But that's beside the point." And then, to my utmost surprise, she hugged me tighter. "Is ... is it my dad and you?"
Honestly, I had no clue. It could be either of the three. And it hadn't mattered to me because I loved them all with equal force. But Leia needed a different answer here, so I nodded slowly. "Yes, but I'm not sharing anything with them or with the world too, honey. I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm so sorry you had to find out like this."
"Why're you sorry?" she asked, furrowing her brows.
"Because..." I stared into her blue eyes, my voice trailing off into an incoherent mumble. Because I loved her, and I knew she hadn't had enough time with her dad on her own. I didn't want to add to her truckload of miseries.
And I didn't want to think she'd need to share her father unless she was ready.
"I think it's the best thing that could have happened to us."
Stunned into silence, I continued staring at Leia's beautiful blue eyes, so,solike her dad’s. How did... how did this little girl, in saying something so utterly simple, validate and ground every destructive thought that had been coursing through me?
I'd been beating myself up ever since I found out. Not about being pregnant. That was actually the moment I realized what joy actually looked like and how wholesome it could be. It was like my body was telling me it wanted me to heal.
And it meant an immense lot because growing up, I'd struggled with a persistent eating disorder for all the years between fifteen and twenty-five. Every meal my mother made me ended with my head over the toilet, trying to hurl every second of my self-hate and flush it away.
It took an entire cycle of missed periods, ending up in a hospital, and getting destroyed by my best friend and two relationships to come to a point where I realized I had to stop.
By that time, I was sure I'd destroyed myself and could never carry a child.
When the home pregnancy tests confirmed otherwise, it was like my body had given me a whole new reason to love myself harder.
To know that I would never, ever settle for anything that was second-best.
The fact that someone I loved so dearly could look at me with all that light in her ocean eyes and say the very words I'd hoped to hear from her one day made all of it sweeter.
"Thank you for saying this, Leia," I whispered. "You have no idea how lucky I feel to be around you."
"It goes both ways, Junie. I've always wanted a little sibling. And I know it kinda sucks that you have to put up with Dad, but he really loves you. He sucks at showing that kind of stuff, but I know," she finished sagely.
"He's got this goofy expression on his face whenever he talks about you. I'd hurl if it were for anyone else, but it's you, so I'll allow it."
