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Ipick up the photo.Ihave him in a headlock whileIgive him a noogie with my fist.Hiseyes are clenched shut, his hand on my chest fighting me off, but we’re both laughing.
Feelingdesperate,Iflip the metal brackets on the back of the frame, remove the photo, and stuff it in my shirt pocket.Lookingaround the room, nothing really feels like theEvanIhave grown to intimately love.Grabbinghis pillow off the bed, the one he slept on at night,Ibury my face into it.Itstill smells like him.Itis so real that it guts me.Suddenly, it’s a precious piece of him thatIdesperately need.Ineed it next to me at night soIcan smell his scent and pretend he didn’t just run out of my life.Irip the pillowcase off, fold it into a tight square, and stuff it in my back pocket.
Fuckingtears are dripping down my face soIstep into his bathroom and splash water on my face.Ifreeze whenIlook at the shower.Thememory assails me with such force,Idrop to my knees.
Mychest tightens around my lungs as my heart rate runs away.Ican’t breathe.Myribs feel like a cage keeping me from breathing.I’mgoing to fucking lose it, butIcan’t.Hisfather is downstairs, andIneed…Ineed air!
Breathe,Luke.Fuckingbreathe so you can get out of this house.
Ineed to be in my own space soIcan fucking deal!
OhGod,Rachel!Evanhas left me to break her heart.Ihave to tell her he has finally left us, and without so much as a goodbye.Angerfloods my veins.Angeris good because it’s better than crying.
Iget to my feet and force them to carry me out of his abandoned room, down the stairs, and out the door.Idon’t see his dad on the way out, butIhear him follow me out onto the porch.
“Findwhat you were looking for?” he asks asIdescend the steps.
“Nah,Iprobably dropped it in the barn.”Idon’t even turn around.Ijust throw open the door to my truck. “Thanks,Mr.Logan.”
“Takecare,Lu…”
Iturn the ignition, cutting off his words.Ican’t even make eye contact with him, backing out and heading down the driveway as quickly as possible without appearing to be hauling ass to get away from this place.Thelump in my throat is choking me.Coughingdoesn’t help.Ipound my fist against my chest trying to dislodge whatever is making it so damn hard to breathe.Iam blind to the road in front of me, butIdon’t need to see how to get home from here.Iknow the path like the back of my hand.Ijust don’t know what the hellI’mgoing to do whenIget there.
PleaseGodmake this a dream.Makeall this agonizing pain go away.Ican’t stand it!Itis too much!
* * *
RACHEL
WatchingOliviasleep fills my heart with love and peace.Ialways wanted to have children.Nowwith everything in tatters,I’mso thankfulWyattgave her to me.Thethree of us might make an unusual family, but our ties are strong.
Irun my hand lightly over her baby fine dark hair.Ilove how it smells and the way it sticks up.IfEvanandIhad eventually married,Ithink she could pass for being his.Thatwill probably change as she gets older.
Ihear the back door.NotexpectingLuke,IputOliviain her crib and quietly leave her room.Ifind him leaning over the sink, his head down and his hands gripping the counter.Hisknuckles are ghost white.
“Hey.”Hedoesn’t move.Iopen the refrigerator. “Ionly put the leftovers from dinner in the fridge an hour ago.Itwon’t take me long to heat them up.”
Thedreadful sob that comes fromLukerips into me.Ihug him from behind.
“What’shappened?”IfLukeis crying, then it must be bad.Panicgrips me asIsqueeze my arms around his ribs. “OhmyGod, please tell me no one has died!”Ican’t deal with more.Ican’t!I’mbarely holding it together sinceIbrokeEvan’sheart.
“No…no one,” he says in a strained whisper.
“Luke, you’re scaring me!”
Slowly, he lifts his shoulders, turns in my embrace, and presses my head against his chest.Ilook into his sad eyes, full of tears, his face twisted with despair.
“He…Evanleft.”
Hiswords sound foreign becauseIcan’t understand them, or what they mean.Achill rolls over me, andIstart shaking.Heholds my cheeks in his palms and tilts my face up.Hischin is trembling.
“Heis already inChicago.Howcould he leave without saying goodbye?Ijust wanted to apologize, but he wasn’t there.Hisroom is practically empty.He’sgone.”
Myown tears drip onto his wrists, and my vision is distorted by them. “Heleft?”
Lukenods before clenching his eyes shut as he weeps.Hecurls forward and rests his forehead against mine.Histears fall and mix with mine on my cheeks.
“Why?”
